To begin, we cannot avoid conflict.
Any time you have two people coming together in a relationship you will have two perspectives – and it’s inevitable that there will be things that you don’t agree on. So conflict comes about before the first word is spoken.
When we don’t bring up a problem we’re having, we often think that we’re “avoiding conflict”.
Your partner. Yourself. Sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised at how little people really know about one another or themselves before tying the knot.
Of course we do have some knowledge of our partners, and of ourselves, but I’m talking about relational knowledge.
Relational knowledge is knowledge of the dynamics that run beneath the surface.
From my research and experience, a closed heart is not something we choose, it is something that happens. Oftentimes after a profound betrayal of trust, a mechanism inside of us is tripped causing us to believe the reason we were betrayed, hurt or abandoned is because we dared to love.
We blame our broken heart on our open heart and vow to never let another person hurt us again. We wall up and close down.
We continually attempt relationships from behind a barricade (closed heart) only peeking out occasionally to see if the coast is clear. We form the mindset: When I know for sure I am accepted then I will open up. Thus we withhold the secret ingredient needed for deep connection – an open heart/vulnerability.