Before we get down to brass tacks on how to ask for what you want in a relationship, let’s make sure you’ve done the important psychological groundwork to ensure your ask is coming from a position of health, maturity and strength. First, let’s distinguish between needs and wants.
It’s ok to be direct
Communication is something that needs to be addressed regularly in a relationship, whether or not it’s going well. Texting, calling, and even emailing are certainly some topics to include in this conversation.
Being direct and honest without being aggressive/passive-aggressive or hurtful is the goal with this check-in.
I really like our texts during the day. I would really like it if you initiated them sometimes.
Hearing from you always makes my day a little less overwhelming.
Relationships are dynamic and ever-changing just like the universe. We are changing moment by moment even when we are unaware of it.
Our thoughts, emotions and perceptions are also fluid.
By this I mean, you may feel one way in the morning (for example), and another way in the afternoon. This is true for our perceptions too, and can affect how we feel in relationships.
The beauty (yet complexity) of this is we can feel different emotions toward someone who we even love. It may be bliss and joy at one moment and frustration and anger at another.
In the age-old expression, “Something that can be a blessing can also be a curse.”
When I dig deep with my clients, the issue of trust is at the core of most of their difficulties. Whether they are suffering from a broken heart, been betrayed, or lost a close friendship, trusting again can be the biggest hurdle to overcome.
Trust is a basic universal need.
In developmental psychologist, Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development, he states that trust begins at infancy – birth to about 18 months.
If you find yourself in this situation, here are a few thoughts that might help. Remember why you broke up with him. Chances are you thought this through. And you can usually trust your intuition. Review why you made your choice and remind yourself that you can trust your inner guidance.
Typically, when clients walk into my office questioning “is this relationship worth it?” there are a few themes that arise. While they can identify that fighting often and the lack of trust in their partner makes them question the future of the relationship, those themes usually aren’t enough to make-it or break-it. This is when I encourage clients to…
Consider your goals and dreams for the future. How does your partner fit into them – if at all? How do you fit into theirs? Are you able to compromise and create shared dreams together? Or do your varying ideals tear you apart?