“Love yourself enough to demand the respect you deserve from everyone else around you because you are worth it.”
~ Becca Martin
What does it mean to say that someone is out of your league?
I suppose you could be referring to education, looks, income or social status. I can’t argue that a great disparity between partners in any of these areas could be problematic.
If we go on the assumption that a genuine connection is probably based on some amount of compatibility in all of these areas, it’s hard to see how you could find yourself for any length of time with a man who is out of your league.
That phrase generally makes the assumption that the man is better than, has more of, etc. and that you are less than.
So if this man is pursuing you, it could be that you are selling yourself short.
Could your own lack of self-esteem interfere with your ability to see that your qualities put you on a par with this man?
If that’s the case, you won’t be with him long. Not because he’s better than you but because your insecurities will make you anxious and awkward with him. Your lack of self creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You can’t keep someone who is genuinely out of your league.
The phrase conjures up a picture of a very drunk hook-up where you wake up the next morning going, “What was I thinking…?”
That response could come from either of you. In a drunken state neither of you could have made a rational assessment of your of compatibility on any level. If you did find yourself with a man who is out of your league, you would probably be too anxious to enjoy him.
I prefer the phrase, “We aren’t compatible” to “He’s out of my league”.
Relationships aren’t a contest that goes to the ones with the most of any quality. Relationships depend on a mutual attraction and a period of getting to know one another to see if the attraction will last.
Don’t compare and don’t sell yourself short. Trust that you have something to offer the right person. By definition, that man will be completely in your league.
Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com
If you find yourself dating someone who appears to be out of your league, perhaps really good looking, really rich or really smart…stop right there!
Maybe he thinks you’re out of his league! But realize, you are dating him, so there must be something that he likes and finds attractive!
Your lesson is to boost your self-esteem, knowing that he is lucky to be with someone like you!
To reduce your anxiety or stress over the possibility of losing him, follow these guidelines:
1. There is more to physical beauty than what you think others see.
How you hold yourself, your body language, your sweet smile or flirty nature are all very attractive and sensuous and will override what you consider your “average” looks. Know this and appreciate that you have many things going for you that are considered magnetic and special.
2. Be sure you remain interesting, informed, and fun to be with.
Why wouldn’t your guy want to be with someone like you, who is a barrel of laughs!
3. Stop feeding yourself all that negative self-talk.
Avoid statements like, “He’s too good for me.” “He’s out of my league.” “What does he see in me?” “Why would he want me when he can get anyone he wants?” Instead, focus on kinder thoughts like, “I deserve a guy like this.” “Since I’m such a good person, why shouldn’t I be dating an awesome guy?”
4. Recognize all your positive qualities and focus on them.
You may need to make a list that includes your talents, gifts, accomplishments, positive experiences and anything you consider unique about you.
5. Understand that you are a complete package and that one aspect does not define who you are.
You are desirable as a whole and that is what others see. In this way, you can overlook some of your faults and shortcomings as just a piece of your complex self.
6. Remember to give yourself credit for overcoming challenges from the past.
You have been through many things and have come out on the other side, successful. That is amazing! Acknowledge your triumphs and be proud of your resiliency, a quality many people can’t say they have.
There is no need for insecurities or low self-esteem in your love life. You are wonderful and valuable, just the way you are and dating a really fabulous guy means he sees something in you that is worth his effort and time.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
Lori Gottlieb wrote a wonderful book several years ago called “Marry Him: The case for Settling for Mr. ‘Good Enough,” that was both wonderfully funny and terribly unsettling.
Using herself as the personal example of her own presentation, she talks about going to a relationship guru to help her find the man she wanted.
After assessing her “required characteristics,” he tells her that the partner she is seeking is in the top one-tenth of one percent of available men, and would she consider herself at the same level of marketability.
Sobered and more realistic, she changes her happiness criteria, and finds joy in a life relationship she can win with her true self.
Lori is not alone. Almost all of us want someone equal or better in relationship value than we consider ourselves to be.
After all, who would want to settle for a partner whom we feel is not as desirable as we are? Though that reasonable question is totally rational, it rarely works in the real world.
People are combinations of many traits, some more desirable than others.
Society’s current standards for relationship marketability and their expression via the media sadly define what we think will bring us the love we want. If you look at enough dating sites, you will see what men and women lead with most often.
Youth, physical attractiveness, availability, and other-men-desirability are what men tend to look for in a potential female partner.
Most women, from a little different perspective, look for an exciting and successful man who will carry her away in a romantic frenzy.
Yes, if Christian of the infamous Fifty Shades didn’t have a Maserati, a sad story of needed redemption, and look like Ryan Gosling, he probably wouldn’t have the buying power he did. Even when a little more sane, women usually do like a full head of hair, a certain minimum height, a penis that works, an attractive presentation, and a reasonable status amongst other men.
What is actually true is that though attraction is initially important, most people who want a long-lasting valuable relationship realize pretty quickly how superficial most of those characteristics are.
The essence of quality relationship partners is a combination of their physical, emotional, spiritual, and intellectual qualities, wrapped in a package of maturity and the ability to understand what real love is all about. (See my article in Psychology Today Blogs, “Who are the Keepers?”)
If people are so attached to the desirability factors that they believe are what is not only required, but absolutely necessary, they are going to find themselves more and more frustrated as they come up against demands that are not only hard to fulfill, but cannot last.
Every phase of life also changes what people want and how they seek it.
Most partner seeking people look for different characteristics to fulfill changing needs as their life matures. Still, there are certain characteristics that attract and hold throughout life, and those that are consistently repelling.
If a person doesn’t have the media-driven qualities, he or she will still score pretty high with a great smile, an indefatigable love of life, and a purpose that is fulfilling. Authenticity, integrity, and the ability to love without possession are pretty high on that list as well.
Take a real inventory of who you are, what you want, and what you think the kind of partner you want, wants from you.
Improve what you can and love the rest. If you want to date a red goldfish, swim in a red goldfish pond. If you can’t gain entry because you somehow don’t have the required ticket, find one that comes pretty close and who will work with you to build a relationship that continues to transform, deepen, and grow. Many “relationship gardens” have the potential for flowers that are not always obvious before they are watered.
Above all, when you are clear about your authentic presentation, you should ideally be excited about what you have to offer, not what you don’t.
If you’re with someone who appears to have chosen someone “below” his or her marketability in you, you might take another look at value in yourself that you didn’t know you had.
Unless, of course, that “more marketable” individual is in between his or her searches for someone more desirable and you’re just a fill-in. Then, you’re only courses are to leave or enjoy the ride.
Of course, the opposite is also true.
If you’re with someone who you feel you are “settling” for, don’t give up looking for special qualities that you might have chosen unconsciously or just didn’t see.
These understandings and conscious thoughts should never be just within you.
They are so important that they need to be shared between you and a potential partner early in a relationship, when neither of you has invested enough to feel much loss. They are wonderful fodder for early conversation, especially if presented with the wonderful humor and wisdom that Lori found in her now-famous search.
Dr. Randi Gunther – www.randigunther.com
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