“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.”
~ Mandy Hale
Struggling with your lagging feelings toward a guy who seems perfect?
If you are dating a man who seems to have it all—for example, he’s thoughtful, handsome, nice to you, good family, good job, etc.—but you can’t seem to figure out why you don’t have stronger feelings toward him, ask yourself a few important questions:
- Is he perfect for YOU, or does he just look perfect on paper?
- Does your mother think he’s the perfect guy for you, but you don’t see it?
- Or is he the perfect guy for your best friend but just isn’t compatible with you?
Sometimes, we end up dating a guy who seems great to everyone else, but we just do NOT feel the chemistry—and that’s okay.
However, it’s time to get really honest with yourself.
If he seems really great in a lot of ways, what do you believe is missing?
- It could be that you aren’t that attracted to him so you’re missing out on some sexual chemistry.
- It could be that he is a great guy, but he is just not your type or what you’re looking for in a committed relationship.
- It could also be that you really don’t know what you’re looking for, but you know he’s not it.
If any of these things ring true for you, try to narrow down what qualities are really important to you in a boyfriend.
I often encourage my clients to spend some time creating a list of at least five must-haves in a mate, as well as a list of deal breakers.
For example, a must-have list might include traits such as intelligence, kindness, and a sense of humor, and the dealbreakers may include smoking cigarettes and a tendency to demean you around his friends.
In any case, once you have drafted your list, make sure it fits YOU.
The goal here is to use it as a pact with yourself to stay true to your values through the dating process and ensure you only keep the “keepers.”
This means that if you give it some time and realize that you are not capable of feeling for Mr. Perfect what he feels for you, you should end the relationship.
It can be really difficult to end this type of relationship because he seems so perfect, but it is important to realize that it is unfair to keep dating him knowing that you aren’t that into him.
Ending it will allow him to find someone who is completely into what he has to offer…and it will allow you to find someone more fitting for you.
Jennifer Meyer, M.A., LPC, NCC – www.jenmeyercounseling.com
1. Take some time for yourself
Time alone can oftentimes provide clarity. It’s an opportunity to think without others interfering with our thought processes. Time away from your partner will allow you the ability to truly examine how you’re feeling about the relationship and about your partner.
2. Don’t rush to conclusions!
We can never predict when those warm and fuzzy feelings we associate with love will occur in a relationship. Sure, we can assume when based on our past relationships, but each relationship and each partner is very different and brings a new and never before experienced dynamic to your life.
Just because you don’t feel like you love the person you’re with does not mean it’s time to sound the alarm and panic.
3. Overlooking red flags?
Using emotions (or lack thereof) as a radar system is very important in relationships. Not loving someone who is perfect may be an indicator that you’ve overlooked a few red flags that may be subtly turning you off.
If you have trustworthy people in your life, ask their honest opinion. Or do some honest reflection on moments you simply pushed away or comments friends have made that you thought nothing of initially.
4. Possibility he’s not for you
We all have types and the only way to know what our type is is to meet people and date. However, over time, outside sources (society, culture, friends, etc.) convince us there’s a “perfect” type. But this type doesn’t fit everyone’s interest.
Tall, dark, and handsome just isn’t going to cut it for everyone.
And that’s ok! Nothing is wrong with you or him, it’s just not the right fit. We all have a right to find out who will be a good partner for us and will fit into our world and future.
Sarah Vendegna, MS, LPC – www.vendegnacounseling.com
Perfection is a subjective term.
What qualifies as perfect to you? Does he make a lot of money? Is he handsome? Educated? Refined? Or does his perfection reflect in his character? Is he honest? Caring? Generous? Funny? Popular?
Often we operate from a perspective rooted in our own perceived deficiency.
- Are his perfect qualities ones you feel you lack?
- Do you see someone who is educated as better than you?
- Does more wealth or a great job signify superiority?
- Do you feel inferior to someone who is or confident or well-regarded by others?
- Have you possibly elevated his attributes to ‘perfection’ because you think they are lacking in you?
Or perhaps your thoughts tell you that you aren’t worthy of someone whom you consider perfect.
You may fear that, eventually, he will discover your imperfection and he will reject you which would reinforce the negative opinion you hold about yourself. So you may believe that it would be emotionally safer if you reject him before he gets to know the ‘real’ you.
Pay attention to your thoughts about this ‘perfect’ man.
What you think directly affects how you feel—and your feelings impact your behaviors.
Susan Tschudi, MA, LMFT – www.therapybysusan.com
Sometimes we feel we “should” love someone but don’t actually feel the feelings of love we might expect.
I would say this is frequently the case in a situation where you feel someone is just perfect for you, or perhaps “perfect on paper.”
If this is a situation you find yourself in, it might be frustrating or even just downright confusing to you.
I would encourage you to consider why exactly you think your partner or potential partner is perfect and why you think you “should” love them.
If you can come up with a list of qualities that you feel you are looking for, it can give you some ideas as to what might be missing.
- Perhaps it is that your partner offers a lot of stability but you are craving excitement and adventure.
- Perhaps it is that you are in a relationship that is more volatile than you would like to be with someone more emotionally stable.
- Perhaps you don’t feel loved in the way you would like and feel less emotionally close to your partner than you would like but you think they would be a good father or partner.
What I think would be helpful to consider is that underneath our ideas of love are many different notions that we get throughout our childhoods from our parents, our cultures, as well as from media and movies and the like.
We often anticipate that love will look a certain way in our lives and while understandable, we often have notions that are just not true or realistic to expect. Also, love feels and looks different for everyone so what might look and feel like love to you, might not to someone else.
The most important question for you is going to be digging deep to determine what you are looking for in a relationship and if your partner, though perfect seeming, is the perfect partner for you.
While not an easy question to ask, it’s so important to be able to answer this question before moving forward in a relationship!
Erica Wollerman, PsyD – www.thrivetherapystudio.com
If you have met someone that you think is perfect, but you don’t feel a love connection to him, ask yourself why this may be happening.
Have you had a checklist of qualities that you believe you wanted?
Having a mental checklist of people who are good on paper does not necessarily translate into good chemistry in a live relationship.
You might have someone who meets all of your requirements, but if you don’t feel a desire for them or an emotional connection, it is very hard to force chemistry.
Feeling a pull towards someone is not some thing that you can will to happen. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it to and when it doesn’t even make any sense. If something makes sense in your head, but you’re not feeling it in your heart, listen to your heart.
It is very important to learn to trust our intuition and inner feelings.
This is how we are led to do what is meant for us in our lives. Your intuition may even be telling you that there’s something that’s not quite right, even though Mr. Perfect seems to be everything you thought you wanted.
Sometimes our intuition knows much more than we consciously do.
If there is something that is missing, it could develop, but not necessarily. If you have a vague sense that something is not quite right, trust yourself.
Another reason that you may not be attracted to someone that you think is exactly what you want is if you have an addiction to unhealthy relationships.
Sometimes we can sabotage ourselves if our early life relationships or role models were unhealthy and we are unconsciously drawn to people who are similar to them.
If you have had a pattern of being attracted to unavailable or unhealthy men, seek therapy in order to understand your unconscious childhood issues. Patterns can be changed if we work on them.
Remember that real love takes time to develop, and it might even be healthy if you’re not feeling a lot of intense passion right away.
Perhaps you want to get to know someone first? Take your time and assess the situation. You will eventually have more clarity about whether you can love this person. Sometimes, love is a decision.
Remember that there are many people out there, and that you don’t have to try make something work that is not meant to be.
Anita Gadhia-Smith, PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW – www.drgadhiasmith.com
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