“Ladies, the right man for you will pursue you. Actively. He won’t leave you wondering whether he’s into you or not.”
~ Mandy Hale
Hey Ladies, if your man has suddenly lost interest in you, take a deep breath and relax.
I’ve listed some steps to help you to understand what is happening.
For starters, it is reasonable to be confused, sad, anxious and even angry in this situation.
You’ve invested your valuable time, effort and emotion into this relationship. Now you feel like you’ve been left in the lurch, not cool.
What happened you may ask.
There are answers that can lead you back towards feeling calm and confident again. Even though you might feel an urgency to take immediate action, remember, this is NOT an emergency.
Just take one step at a time and the solutions and resolutions will become clear.
Step 1: Make room for your Feelings
No matter what your feelings are, they are valid. You deserve to have room to express yourself. This could be writing down how you honestly feel. Just sit down with pen and paper and write whatever comes to mind.
You could also contact a trusted friend and ask, “Would you listen to me for a few minutes? I’m not yet at the problem solving stage. I just need my to be heard.”
There can be relief to being exactly as you are without needing to change anything. Soak up this time of just being you.
After you’ve been able to express yourself fully. Then we can switch to being a kind hearted detective.
Step 2: Be Curious
Of course you’re curious about what happened! So go ahead and ask.
First ask yourself.
What do you think happened? Do you recall the last interaction before he seemed to lose interest.
Maybe you had a deep conversation and then he stepped back from the relationship. You might have more answers than you realize. Also, you can ask him. You’ve got nothing to lose, he has already lost interest.
Use his answers to learn more for your future relationships.
“Hey it seems like you’re not interested in our relationship like you were before. What’s going on? Tell me more? ”
Good job, you’re half way through! Curiosity is really important, but the next step is what makes it work.
Step 3: Listen
That’s right listening is key. So if you ask him to talk and he doesn’t respond, listen to that. That in itself can be a clear message. You might be surprised at the answers, so listen with an open heart.
Maybe there was a family emergency and his focus was directed elsewhere. Also, when listening to yourself give yourself the respect and time that you would with a loved one. Take a walk with yourself and use that time to listen without judgement.
When listening, the answers may have been interesting, surprising or possibly upsetting. That’s why this last step is invaluable.
Step 4: Get Reassurance
You may not have gotten the answers that you were looking for. So turn towards the people who show love and support. The ones who care and know you well. They will remind you of your magnificence.
Reassurance is also available through counseling and other professions. Always feel free to reach out to an expert for extra support. That is why they are there.
So, remember these steps when you feel confused, sad, anxious or angry.
Create space to hear yourself, value your thoughts and emotions. This will lead toward more calm and confidence, in yourself and relationships.
Jolene Stokesberry, MA, LMHC – www.lightmindcounseling.com
There isn’t much that is more distressing than that moment when you feel your partner pull away. What is worse is when you don’t have a reason for why this happened.
Relationships go through different phases.
In a new relationship…
Hormones and chemicals create a sense of intimacy and infatuation at the beginning of a relationship. The time together is exciting, everything they say is funny, and you want to spend ALL the time together.
These hormones are great for maintaining the human species, but they don’t last.
After about 6 – 12 months the chemicals change from producing excitement to love and connection.
At this point, the relationship must have a foundation of more than lust to stick around.
He is also seeing the relationship based on his upbringing, past relationships, and cultural messages. His brain is testing the waters to see if there is enough emotional security to be vulnerable and if he can count on you.
Long-term relationships…
Commitment comes with vulnerability and the potential to get hurt.
If it seems risky he will go into “survival mode” and his interest in you may dwindle to keep him safe. He will pull away, sex will decline, and he may even develop interest in someone else.
Why did this happen?
These are problems that are co-created by both of you and is a consequence of neglect.
Unwillingness to share needs, wants, and deeper thoughts or emotions will lead to poor connection because…
- He is not getting his needs met (you may not know what his were),
- There is a build up of anger and resentment, or
- Of a lack of trust to be vulnerable.
What to do now?
The best thing you can do now is talk.
Don’t be defensive or blaming. Pay attention to and understand his perspective – it will always make sense! This will either save the relationship or it will be a way for you to learn for the future.
How can you move forward?
- Learn to communicate clearly. Don’t expect him to get hints.
- Connection is about a “call” and a “response”. If he is calling and there is no response, he will feel lonely and unimportant.
- Build good boundaries. Boundaries that are too flexible mean that you get walked over and you don’t get your needs met. Inflexible boundaries mean that you aren’t sensitive to others’ needs. Good boundaries mean that you are able to communicate and remain assertive about your needs, while still being flexible and receptive to others.
- Think about your behavior in the relationship and determine what signals you send. Think about sending signals of openness, caring, and trust.
- Keep up your friendships and hobbies! These are an excellent source of comfort and support. Remember, that was part of why he fell for you. Don’t stop being you for anyone!
Rachel Orleck, PsyD – www.relationshipswithgrit.com
There is nothing more painful than being blind sighted in love.
Having your love interest suddenly lose interest can lead to a cascade of painful feelings that sets off a myriad of shame stories.
- “I must not be good enough”.
- “I probably came on too strong”.
- “This proves I will never find love”.
- “What is so fundamentally wrong with me that I get rejected?”
As hard as this is to go through, I assure you that you can recover your sense of self-worth, regain your confidence and grow from it.
Sudden loss of interest can range from a Slow Fade Out to Ghosting.
Although indefensible, this phenomenon is common in today’s technology reliant, easy breezy, dating culture.
First let’s get clear on the psychology of these behaviors.
They are passive and stem from a fear of conflict and discomfort.
A loss of interest happens over time, so if you are truly stunned, something wasn’t being talked about.
This means you weren’t given all of the information and therefore deprived of the opportunity to make productive changes.
If you are not able to engage your partner to process what happened, you will be left with the confusion and the responsibility, a very unfair situation!
Wanting to know the Why is an important part of re-establishing confidence after a rupture in a relationship.
There are many reasons why someone disengages romantically.
Without the direct feedback you simply do not know. Not having closure is the real issue and can leave you feeling disposable.
I suggest you do the following to come back into your self-worth.
Start by taking it less personally.
Feeling pain in relationships does not mean you did something wrong. Someone who does not considerately end a relationship is acting from a low-integrity position.
You can assume that they have emotional baggage from the past that makes direct conversation difficult.
They may lack the skills and maturity to navigate complex interpersonal dynamics. Their behavior is their responsibility so don’t fall into the trap that being poorly treated means that you don’t deserve better.
Another important part of the process is owning your side of the street.
Check in with your own behavior.
- Was I really fully present in this relationship?
- Did I send clear signals of my interest?
- Did I check my emotional baggage or did I treat this person like I was about to be hurt?
- Did I jump ahead and put pressure on the relationship because of my fears?
Discovering that you may have played a role in what happened shouldn’t send you into a shame spiral or lead you to believe you deserve inconsiderate treatment.
On the contrary, this is about self-respect and being accountable is a high-integrity act.
Positioning yourself in your integrity will lead you to feeling more empowered.
I know you are hurting now, but you can use this as an opportunity to follow your own deeper Compass.
The most important question to answer is where do I locate my self-worth?
If you find you have given it to an outside force, it’s time to take it back.
Lisa Brown, MA, LMFT- www.lisabrowntherapy.com
Ouch! I have been there. You’re seeing a guy and it feels good. And then out of the blue, crickets….
What the heck happened?
Did I do something wrong?
Not again.
This can be a confusing time. That voice in your brain goes into anxiety overdrive.
Here are some practical tips to get through it.
First, it’s okay to ask him what’s up.
But you have to be very clear on your intention and your energy. This works best when your intention is clarity, not attachment/need.
Here’s why.
Clarity is helpful. First of all, it will help bring down the anxiety of swirling thoughts and negative self-talk. It will give you helpful information that can help you move forward.
Attachment need is driven by your desire to stay connected to him and not feel hurt or rejected. This will not be helpful because you will probably be trying to get something from him that he no longer wants to give so you’re more likely to be met with resistance.
So really clean up your energy first. Approach him with neutral energy. With curiosity.
Hey, I guess things aren’t going forward with us, can you give me a little intel? A girl needs to know!
He may not be willing, but this approach is most likely to get you an honest answer.
Now, let’s shift to how to deal with the hurt and disappointment.
First of all, sit down and make a list of every painful thought going through your head right now.
Every idea you’ve had about why this happened, even the one about him being abducted.
Now, take a couple of slow, deep breaths, put on some smooth jazz, and calmly ask yourself for each one:
Is that really true?
Are there alternative explanations?
Then divide them up into two categories. The ones about you and the ones about him.
Now, throw away the ones about him. Really. It won’t serve you to focus on him. If he disappeared, then you’re wasting your energy focusing on him (except to grieve and that’s really focusing on you). Stop trying to imagine what he is thinking and bring the focus back to you.
Okay, now you have two tasks for you.
One is to learn and grow and the other is to heal and move on.
Stop trying to figure out ways to get him back. You’re too good for that. You deserve a guy who all out wants you now and is available for the kind of relationship that you want.
Let’s look at the learn and grow part.
I believe that one of the main purposes for our relationships is to help us grow and evolve. The first step is to look at what you did and did not like about him and this relationship. Now make a note: I want more of ____________ and I don’t want _______________. It’s important to declare this. Write it down.
The next step is a bit harder.
Now you have to look at how you showed up in this relationship. Be objective and KIND. Do not attack yourself or be harsh.
Just ask a few questions that can really help you.
- Was I my best self?
- Was I over giving to prove my worth?
- Was I too focused on pleasing him and not grounded enough in being me?
- Was I holding back too much of myself?
Take some time with this. Then take some time to allow yourself to feel any feelings that come up. Now take some time with yourself to be compassionate and kind.
These things happen. It doesn’t mean anything negative about you.
Ellen Hartson, LISW – www.ellenhartson.com
If he has suddenly lost interest, if he has started acting weird, if you have no idea what happened to cause the relationship to fall apart, then two things are likely true.
One, it has nothing to do with you.
This is his shit showing up. It is totally normal to go down the “what did I do wrong” rabbit hole of anxiety, and it’s completely unhelpful because you probably won’t ever get an answer to that question (no matter how much online stalking you do) and the elusive answer is probably more about his own issues that he hasn’t dealt with than it is about anything you did or didn’t do.
Accepting that it has nothing to do with you means accepting that you don’t have control in this situation, and trying to feel in control is why you’re anxiously trying to figure out what’s wrong with you.
Surrender to the fact that this isn’t about you, and move on.
Two, if this kind of immature ghosting happened, the two of you probably didn’t have good communication set up in the foundation of your relationship.
Clear communication is key to any successful relationship, and the games that society tells us to play doesn’t include it.
Tell society and its rules around not expressing yourself and your desires to f**k off and talk about what you want, where you’re at, and how you’re feeling.
Chances are, if you set up this kind of communication expectation early on, you won’t get ghosted and if someone does lose interest, you’ll know why.
It is much easier to do the hard work of communicating up front than it is to be riddled with anxiety and confusion after the fact. If your next guy isn’t interested in communicating openly, he’s not worth it.
Emma Knighton, MA, LMHC, RYT – www.unitywithincounseling.com
When you find yourself feeling blindsided or even betrayed and dismayed by a relationship suddenly fizzling out its best to not go to the place that most of us instinctually go to in our minds:
- Asking why,
- What did I do to push him away,
- How could he do this to me,
- What’s wrong with me…..
As hard as it is to stop that negative path of destructive thoughts, It’s so much more constructive to spend your time and energy evaluating the elements of the relationship that were probably red flags all along and you chose to ignore or push aside.
Believe it or not, relationships always reveal themselves through hints and patterns and characteristics that indicate cracks.
But often we want so badly to make a relationship work or hold on to the good for just fear that it could end, that we choose to ignore the signs that the cracks are getting wider and the relationship isn’t going to be a healthy one.
Then we act surprised when it ends.
It’s human nature to want to present the good to ourselves and the world and pretend the bad isn’t so bad.
How many times have we heard ourselves saying “I can deal with it?” “He just doesn’t think about that stuff.” “He’s stressed out.” “I know that’s not what he really means” when we want a relationship to work.
Well, every time we do that, we are betraying ourselves.
It’s as if we are sending ourselves a message that it’s the best we can hope for or it’s better to be quiet and not bring attention to what doesn’t seem to be feeling right.
When we put out energy that is about settling and denying our own needs, guess what comes back to us?
When we pay attention to the red flags, address them and either work on them in a constructive healthy way, which might mean deciding it’s best to move on, we open ourselves up to what is right for us.
We stop holding on to what is wrong. It is amazing what happens in our lives when we rid ourselves of that negative, unhealthy energy. Think about that instead of why did this happen to me?
Melissa Glaser, MS, LPC – www.melissaglaser.com
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