“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love… but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.”
~ Mandy Hale
If you were dating someone who only sees you when it suits him, ask yourself what is happening with each of you.
- Does he want power and control?
- Is he a narcissist?
- Is he using you for something he wants when it is convenient for him?
- Why do you allow this?
If you are seeing someone who needs to have a disproportionate level of control in the relationship, this is likely to increase as time goes on.
If your relationship becomes more serious, you may lose more and more of yourself, your own life, and your own rights to make your own choices.
If you are seeing someone who is a narcissist, you are likely being used to feed his fragile ego and will be a reliable source of emotional fuel if you continue to comply.
These relationships rarely go well, and it will serve you to pause and re-examine not only the person you are dealing with, but also yourself.
- Are you allowing yourself to be controlled by a selfish and self-serving person?
- Are you in touch with your own needs, and do you value yourself enough and have enough self-esteem to make them a priority?
Relationships are about give-and-take, and healthy ones require compromise on both sides.
If you are with someone who continually disregards or dismisses your needs and desires, it may be time to look for someone who is more capable of healthy mutual respect and reciprocity.
A relationship based on respect and consideration of mutual needs and reciprocity is one where you can build a foundation for a healthy future.
Respect yourself as well as the other person, and make sure that you are in the equation. You do not have to erase yourself in order to have a partner.
It is up to you to command respect and to take good care of yourself.
Anita Gadhia-Smith, PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW – www.drgadhiasmith.com
What would your ideal relationship look like?
You would feel loved, cared for, wanted and desired. You would expect it to give you peace, assurance, security and safety. But if you are dating someone who only sees you once in a while, what does that do to you? It reduces your self-esteem, confidence, self-worth and value.
After all, what’s wrong with you that he doesn’t want to be with you all the time?
He says he loves you; he says he wants to be in your life, but you are feeling doubtful, insecure and angry. Is this what you are looking for in your ideal relationship?
Of course not, and because it’s not really acceptable, what are you doing in this situation?
Unless he can show you he truly wants to be with you, and unless he can give you the time and put in the effort, you deserve better.
Remember, if you know what you want and must have in a relationship, this type of arrangement is totally undesirable.
It may be necessary to set down some parameters, if things are going to continue.
- Be sure he knows you are not there as a side-bar, but are invested in the relationship and so should he.
- Be sure he knows how you want to be treated, and that you are an equal, loving and special partner.
- Be sure you believe he is all that you want and deserve, since you are so vulnerable and exposed.
The healthiest and happiest relationships are honest, trusting and sincere.
Decide that you will only choose a relationship that offers these qualities and then don’t accept anything less!
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
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