“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”
~ Mandy Hale
1. You are the Author of your Story-Stop, Reflect and Write
As the main character in your story with your man, start where you are, step back and observe what you are doing? What is your motive for the relationship? Are you wanting what you say you want?
Your intuition is your best friend and is the one friend who always has your best interests at heart.
The challenge is taking the time to stop and listen, especially, when you must contend with the heart wanting what the heart wants.
Journal writing is a safe avenue to explore the wrestling of your feelings, thoughts, and agendas. Have fun delving in!
2. Ask him AND then listen with your heart.
We do things for a reason, be curious about his feelings and behaviors. Are you ready to hear his answers?
Note if they are more obvious than you desire to admit such as, he doesn’t feel as strongly. Or are they hidden agendas from a dysfunctional history, developmental trauma, or unresolved grief?
Check in and make sure you have no ulterior motives and expectations that you are projecting into the dialogue that will sabotage what you need to hear.
3. He is not who you think he is
He is a master player it’s that simple. The more you invest in a person the more you love them-it goes both ways.
- Are you investing more in him than he has invested in you?
- Do you give him the opportunity to invest in you, as if so, do you receive it back, or do you come up empty-handed?
4. Are you able to consider that he is just not into you?
This is a tough thing to look at and to feel, and this does happen. He may have put great effort into courting you, yet the chemistry is simply missing for him.
Take a step back, remind yourself that the purpose of dating, courting, and working toward a relationship is all about seeing IF you are compatible, not a commitment to be so. There is always the risk of it simply not working out.
5. You have your own unresolved business and pick guys who are not available, unconsciously on purpose, in hopes, proving you are lovable.
Yet it’s self-sabotaging, as it is not about you being lovable, it’s about picking an available man in the first place. This may be a great issue to discuss with a professional. We take ourselves—the good, bad and indifferent-with us into the relationship.
Gaining insight as to where you start and end could be an enriching experience, and you may learn the type of guy you can get a commitment from! Self-care is the place to start!
Cheri McDonald, PhD, LMFT – www.aplace2turn.com
You may be asking yourself why your man won’t commit but won’t let go either?
There may be many reasons why this is happening.
He could be afraid of commitment. Maybe he went through a divorce or experienced his parents’ divorce. This may make him think that if he gets too close the relationship will fall apart.
Another reason may be he likes his independence and likes dating around.
He could be open to a committed relationship but hasn’t found the right person yet. He could really enjoy your company, which is why he sticks around but doesn’t like to be tied down.
His hot and cold treatment could create an emotional roller coaster for you.
This could lead you to feeling like your self-esteem and self-worth have declined. Below are some suggestions you could use to address your man’s ambivalence.
First, you could talk openly with him.
By having a direct conversation with your man you can find out what is going on with him and you are able to open up about how you feel as well. You are able to tell him how his pulling away and then coming back is affecting you emotionally.
Second, let him know if he keeps being wishy washy you are willing to walk away from the relationship.
By doing this you are showing him you are emotionally independent and that you have other options but you choose him.
If you do walk away from him, give him some time to think about it and then have a conversation with him.
By giving him some time and not smothering him he will have time to think about your relationship and decide what direction he wants to take.
Third, he may be afraid of losing his independence.
But you can reassure him that he won’t be tied down like he might think. You could reassure him that his life can pretty much be the same but you will be in his life now.
Fourth, you can make yourself your own priority.
By doing this you are exhibiting self-respect and you won’t allow him to string you along. This also shows him you are independent and don’t need him in your life to take care of you.
By putting yourself first you are satisfying your needs and not his first. This shows you and your man that you have self-love.
Fifth, you can establish boundaries.
By forming boundaries you are setting a precedent for what you are willing to put up with. This also shows him you are not willing to be strung along while he is being wishy washy.
If he continues to be noncommittal, you can impose a time limit on his decision. You might not want to hear this but if your relationship goals don’t match up then it might be time to break up.
Hollis Wall, MA, LMHCA – www.wallehollis.com
1. Clarify your feelings
Dating a man who won’t commit to you but isn’t letting go can be a difficult situation to navigate through. You love and care about the man you’re dating, and he may share similar feelings, but be unable to move to the next stage of the relationship.
The most important thing you can do is clarify for yourself what you want in the relationship, listen to your feelings, and communicate clearly what your feelings are.
If you clearly want and are ready for the relationship to move to the next level but he is not, then there’s a process of letting go with the support of trusted friends, family members and maybe a therapist too.
2. Set Boundaries
There’s also a need to gently but firmly set boundaries with him, if he keeps calling or keeps wanting to see you. Remind yourself that although it might feel good in the moment to talk to him or see him, there will likely be hurt and resentful feelings afterward.
Saying “no” allows you to claim the space you need to fully let go and begin to heal from the feelings of loss.
Oftentimes, a man might try to stay attached if he loves you but is scared, or maybe it’s become a routine and he’s satisfied getting his needs met even if your need for a greater commitment is not being met.
If he cannot work through the fears and blocks to a commitment, then finding a way to let go will help set you free to heal from the loss and eventually meet someone who is interested in, and capable of a long-term commitment.
3. Let Go
If you clearly want and are ready for the relationship to move to the next level but he is not, then there’s a process of letting go.
Although it sets you free from continued feelings of hurt, it is also a loss that needs to be grieved: for what you loved about the person, and what dreams of the future with this person you need to let go of. Seeking the support of a counselor you trust can help with the grieving process.
Rachel Saenger, MA, LPC-S, LMFT-S– www.georgetowncounselingwellness.com
First of all, it is important to know what your intention is when deciding to date.
- Are you looking for something with no strings attached and casual?
- Do you want something more exclusive but short term?
- Are you looking for your life partner?
Once you have decided on the type of relationship you desire, keep that in the forefront of your mind as you date. Know what you want at all times.
If you want a committed, monogamous relationship with a man and the man you are communicating with is showing signs he is not willing or ready to be committed to you-time to move on. This situation will be a waste of your precious time, energy, effort, emotions, etc.
It can help to make a list of your ESSENTIALS-the items that are your must haves in a relationship.
If commitment is one of those things-once you see that a potential partner does not show up as committed – it is time to say fare-thee-well.
Second, trust that he is showing you what he will offer to you through his ACTIONS.
If he says the things you want to hear and makes promises to you, then proceeds to make a habit of breaking those plans, promises, etc., he is actually “saying” a lot here. Through his behaviors the message is that you are not a PRIORITY to him.
Ask yourself why would you want to invest further time, energy and emotional bandwidth into someone who is not putting the same time and energy into you? It really comes down to that concept.
Last, but certainly not least-know what you are worth.
There is a message that you are putting out there that if you are settling for less than what you ultimately want-you feel on some level (even unconsciously) that you only deserve less.
You want to be in an ABUNDANCE mindset when you date, not a mindset of LACK.
Instead of wasting time making excuses or justifying a dating situation that does not meet your needs, focus that precious time and energy on what you DO want.
Breadcrumbs are not the option you want-you want the whole cake.
At the end of the day, there is only so much time we have – spend it with the person who has a similar intention for dating, meets your needs and helps you express your happiest self.
Heather Petitpas, MEd, LMHC – www.tissuesfortheissues.com
Do you have several pieces of clothing in your closet that you sometimes like and keep “just in case”?
Well when a man hangs on but doesn’t want to commit to you this is a similar phenomenon to how you feel about those clothes.
He likes spending time with you, enough to keep you hanging on. However, other than a boost to his ego he doesn’t see you as someone he needs to charm or work hard for.
Every woman should be valued by the man they wish to start a relationship with as his favorite, must have woman.
When he values you, he is dreaming of you, hoping to see you soon and worried others will snatch you up first.
Key factors to this is…
- This only works when you value yourself
- Understand how you feel
- Voicing your desires
- Stick to your values
- And the most important factor in this specific topic may just be respecting a man’s “no”.
If he says he doesn’t want to date exclusively, “just see where this goes”, or he doesn’t think you need labels, believe him!
He isn’t looking for what you are and that’s ok. You value yourself and your happiness to simply move on.
Always remember there are more men you can date.
What you settle for sets your value in your man’s eyes.
Pushing to get what you want out of men will only lead to having a giant man child waiting for you to lead the relationship. What woman really wants that?
Being a man’s second, third or even sixth option is no way to build a fantastic trust filled relationship of a lifetime.
Dawn Ramezany, LMHC – www.sunrisetherapies.org
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