“Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.”
~ Havelock Ellis
Going thru a break-up can be difficult. Especially if you were with the person for a significant amount of time or invested a lot of your life to them.
Many people feel jealous once they find out this person is with someone else. I’m hoping to offer you some helpful ways to get over them and move on!
I want to note before you begin reading, this is for people who truly want to get over a relationship.
Nothing will help the person who wants to stay stuck, stalk their ex, or if they get something out of being jealous and talking about it incessantly with their friends.
These tips will help those who have chosen to move on and are trying to get over a relationship.
1. Understand that you have lost something important to you so you will have a grieving process.
We are wired to grieve after a loss. It’s human and natural. It’s normal in this process to feel denial that the relationship is over at first.
Once denial kicks in, anger takes over. This is where many people get stuck. Realize the anger is normal and is actually leading you down the road to feel the sadness, then to accept the loss and move on. Many times, jealousy is just someone stuck in the anger stage of grief.
Realize this anger is normal and will pass. But it is not normal to get “stuck”. A week or two is generally a good guideline for feeling the anger.
2. Remove them from your phone, Facebook, email account, etc.
Anything that would be a temptation for you to contact them- get rid of it. It’s going to be tempting enough. You don’t need the temptation of something right in your face staring at you, begging you to call!!
3. Create a team of support that you can call when you feel weak.
Have a friend or family who knows they’re going be “on call” for when you feel weak. You can call them, email them, or text them whatever it is you would LIKE to actually say to your ex. They will know it’s just you venting and they can either read it or delete it.
4. Keep yourself busy.
If you know that when you have a lot of free time, you are tempted to call, make sure you don’t have a lot of free time. Invest in a new hobby or challenge yourself at a new goal. Stay focused on something other than your ex.
5. Stay away from triggers.
A trigger is anything that makes you think of this person or would make you want to contact them. For example, let’s say your favorite park where you spent hours talking is on your way to work and you want to call him when you pass it each day.
Maybe drive a different way to work until the jealousy passes. You are already thinking about him, so you don’t need more things that will trigger more emotion.
6. Write a letter of closure that you don’t mail.
Make it a way to close the relationship on your terms and how you would want it (even if you didn’t want it to end-imagine what you would have said if you were given the chance). Read it to a friend and then destroy it.
7. Jealousy usually comes from feeling abandoned.
Abandonment usually comes from something we experience long before this relationship ended. If you just can’t move past this, find a good Therapist you can talk to about abandonment.
This article is too short to go into detail about it. But if you can find the root of the abandonment on the inside, you can better understand and CHANGE your behavior on the outside. This can only improve you for your future relationships.
Remember, this is for those who WANT TO CHANGE!
This is hard work. Getting over relationships can be tough. But there is something to be learned from each break-up. Don’t let jealousy get in the way of your opportunity to grow.
Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC, LCAC – www.imaginehopecounseling.com
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