“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love… but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.”
~ Mandy Hale
If a woman has been dating a man for a while and she is desiring a deeper commitment, the first thing I would change in this statement is the thought of “telling him”.
We humans need to realize that true communication should lead to a deeper connection. And, thinking she can just “tell” him would not engender feelings of him wanting to commit.
Rather, the idea is to connect to her own authentic self, be willing to speak from the “I”, and ask to have a dialogue about something that is very important to her.
Then if he is willing, she might then begin with stating how she feels about him and that she would like to have a “dialogue” about moving the relationship to a deeper level with more commitment.
If he gets upset, changes the subject, or tells her that he is simply not ready, this woman has gained a lot of information that is very important.
- First, he is showing her that her needs are not that important by not being willing to listen to what she wants and be willing to have a dialogue.
- Second, the question comes up for me, IF her needs are not important now in the dating stage, the chances of her needs becoming more important after a “commitment” are next to zero percent.
So, the question is: “ Why would you want to be with someone who does not see you as “equal to”?
Women tend to ignore this very important fact that they should be “equal” to, not better and not less than her partner and therefore, her needs are also equal to.
A second point about everyone’s needs being important is this: though everyone’s needs are important, it does not mean that the other has to meet those needs, it means that the other is willing to support those needs.
For example, If I am in a relationship and I desperately want to go sky-diving, but my partner is deathly afraid of heights, he could show support by voicing his concerns, and then understanding that this is very important to me.
He would show support by willing to say something like: “ I am afraid for you and I also believe you will take all the precautions necessary”.
In this day and age when there is so much turmoil everywhere we turn.
I believe that as we can create a refuge in our relationships where we know, and act like we are “equal to”, we can renew ourselves there and then know what to do in the outer world.
Suzanne Carter, MA, LPC – www.unitywholenesscenter.com
Boundaries always come from a place of love.
Boundaries are always about me, not the other person. I’m not telling the other person what to do. I’m telling them what I will do if they violate my boundary.
If you are in a relationship and are ready for commitment and your partner is not there, it’s really okay to tell him that.
You can tell him from a place of love, because you love yourself and you have to right to state what you need and want.
Now, I’m not saying that anyone else has to give you what you need or want. That is their decision. And you can still love them, regardless of what they decide. You just don’t have to stay in a relationship with them if you want different things.
I’m going to assume that you’ve already let him know that you are ready for commitment and that you have been waiting for him to ‘be ready’. Now you are tired of waiting.
Here’s an example of how to tell him to commit or YOU WILL LEAVE:
Hey “George”, you know I’m crazy about you, right?
And you know I’m all in on this relationship.
I’m ready to be in a relationship where that level of commitment is mutual.
I know we’ve talked about this before (if you have), but I just wanted to check in with you today so I can have clarity. Are we on the same page?
Now, be a good listener. After he had responded, reflect back to him in your words, what you heard him say. For example,
So, what it sounds like your saying, is that you still not completely sure what you want in some areas of your future and you want to wait until you finish this project (get the promotion, settle your dad’s estate, figure out where your kids will attend school, fill in the blank….) to really commit. You’re also saying that you’re crazy about me too (or love me or fill in the blank). Did I get that right?
It’s really important that you get confirmation from him that you heard him correctly. Often, we think we understand what the other person means but we tend to attach or own meaning to what we hear. So be sure you really heard what he said.
Then, you might say,
I totally get where you’re at. I’m just at a different place. I wish things could be different but I have to honor what I really desire now. My gut says that I’ve waited long enough and I need to be with someone who is ready now. I value the time we spent together and I wish all good things for you and your future.
That’s it. Stop talking. Keep it pretty simple.
This is your boundary. You need to be with someone who is ready to commit and since he is not ready, you have to move on.
Now, take the time you need to grieve and heal your heart.
And then get back out there ready to meet the one who is already ready for commitment and is just waiting to find you!
Ellen Hartson, LISW – www.ellenhartson.com
Let’s say you are seeing someone for a while and are ready to make a commitment.
The problem is that you don’t know where he stands or if he is in the same place as you.
Obviously, you do not want to waste your time with someone whose long-term goal is out of sync with yours. At some point, you need to stop second-guessing the relationship and find out what your partner truly wants.
Don’t assume anything.
Discussing your “vision for the future” can be difficult if you and your partner haven’t broached the subject before.
You can open the dialogue by saying,
“I really enjoy what we have together and feel that we have been exclusive. We share so many things and have a great time together. Can we talk about this?”
Hopefully, this will start a conversation about what you both want for the future, how you can get there, whether you are on the same time-line and what to do if you are not.
If his statements are noncommittal, vague or confusing, it is necessary to communicate with clarity, asking questions that would explain his thoughts and concerns.
In this way you avoid confusion and the conflict associated with unfulfilled expectations.
Good communication is essential for a healthy, committed relationship.
Everything that gets discussed will not always please you, but when things get out in the open, at least you’ll know if your future together is possible or if it’s time to look for someone else. It allows each partner to talk about the future and perhaps include one another in their dreams and goals.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
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