“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love… but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.”
~ Mandy Hale
If a woman has been dating a man for a while and she is desiring a deeper commitment, the first thing I would change in this statement is the thought of “telling him”.
We humans need to realize that true communication should lead to a deeper connection. And, thinking she can just “tell” him would not engender feelings of him wanting to commit.
Rather, the idea is to connect to her own authentic self, be willing to speak from the “I”, and ask to have a dialogue about something that is very important to her.
Then if he is willing, she might then begin with stating how she feels about him and that she would like to have a “dialogue” about moving the relationship to a deeper level with more commitment.
If he gets upset, changes the subject, or tells her that he is simply not ready, this woman has gained a lot of information that is very important.
- First, he is showing her that her needs are not that important by not being willing to listen to what she wants and be willing to have a dialogue.
- Second, the question comes up for me, IF her needs are not important now in the dating stage, the chances of her needs becoming more important after a “commitment” are next to zero percent.
So, the question is: “ Why would you want to be with someone who does not see you as “equal to”?
Women tend to ignore this very important fact that they should be “equal” to, not better and not less than her partner and therefore, her needs are also equal to.
A second point about everyone’s needs being important is this: though everyone’s needs are important, it does not mean that the other has to meet those needs, it means that the other is willing to support those needs.
For example, If I am in a relationship and I desperately want to go sky-diving, but my partner is deathly afraid of heights, he could show support by voicing his concerns, and then understanding that this is very important to me.
He would show support by willing to say something like: “ I am afraid for you and I also believe you will take all the precautions necessary”.
In this day and age when there is so much turmoil everywhere we turn.
I believe that as we can create a refuge in our relationships where we know, and act like we are “equal to”, we can renew ourselves there and then know what to do in the outer world.
Suzanne Carter, MA, LPC – www.unitywholenesscenter.com
Let’s say you are seeing someone for a while and are ready to make a commitment.
The problem is that you don’t know where he stands or if he is in the same place as you.
Obviously, you do not want to waste your time with someone whose long-term goal is out of sync with yours. At some point, you need to stop second-guessing the relationship and find out what your partner truly wants.
Don’t assume anything.
Discussing your “vision for the future” can be difficult if you and your partner haven’t broached the subject before.
You can open the dialogue by saying,
“I really enjoy what we have together and feel that we have been exclusive. We share so many things and have a great time together. Can we talk about this?”
Hopefully, this will start a conversation about what you both want for the future, how you can get there, whether you are on the same time-line and what to do if you are not.
If his statements are noncommittal, vague or confusing, it is necessary to communicate with clarity, asking questions that would explain his thoughts and concerns.
In this way you avoid confusion and the conflict associated with unfulfilled expectations.
Good communication is essential for a healthy, committed relationship.
Everything that gets discussed will not always please you, but when things get out in the open, at least you’ll know if your future together is possible or if it’s time to look for someone else. It allows each partner to talk about the future and perhaps include one another in their dreams and goals.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
You may not, except with express written permission, distribute or commercially exploit the content. Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or other form of electronic retrieval system.