“No relationship can survive without trust, honesty, and communication, no matter how close you are.”
~ J Sterling
What do you want?
If the new guy was not in the picture, would you want to stay in the relationship with your boyfriend, or would you rather let go?
If you want the relationship then work on it, if you don’t, then let it (him) go.
Cheating on your boyfriend will violate any trust in the relationship, and it will be difficult, if not impossible, to get it back once it is broken.
- Are you willing to take that risk?
- What are your values?
- Do you believe that cheating is wrong? Or do you think it is okay… as long as you never get caught?
If you believe that cheating is wrong, you will not only hurt your boyfriend and violate his trust, you will violate yourself as well.
You need to know that violating yourself and your own set of values likely will have a long term effect of how you see and feel about yourself, and what you feel like you deserve, in the future.
If you think it is only wrong if you get caught, know that you will. It is not a matter of if you will get caught, but when.
As for the new guy, perhaps he is coming into your life to show you what is missing in your relationship, or despite its flaws (all relationships have them and must work through them), the value in it….. and not to throw it away on an attraction.
- Do you like the “other guy” or just the attention that he is giving you?
- Does he like you enough to have a relationship or is he just trying to “win” you over from your boyfriend, hook up and then be unavailable for intimacy or a relationship?
Just because you find a guy attractive and he “likes” you does not mean that you need to have sex with him or enter into a relationship.
Always trust your gut and remember that no one has the right to tell you what to you. It is your life, your path, your choice…but so are the related consequences.
Laura Streyffeler, PhD, LMHC, BCETS, CCDVC, CCFC – www.drlauracounseling.com
If you are in a relationship, but you are finding you are having feelings for another person, I think you need to ask yourself how happy you are in your current relationship and evaluate what is going on with this new person.
Do you find another person attractive? Do you find yourself thinking about this person frequently?
If this is the case, this can be innocent but lead to something more rather quickly.
If you are happy in your relationship but really noticing how attractive someone is, then I think it is important to be careful with this person and have appropriate boundaries. It may make sense to end this current relationship, or if this is not possible, it may be smart to be mindful of your contact with them.
Are you starting to develop strong feelings for another person?
If this is the case then I think you need to ask yourself how happy you are in your relationship.
If you are truly happy in your relationship, then you should be very careful with this other person and not act on any feelings towards them. I would also ask yourself what is going on in your current relationship that you may be thinking about someone else in a romantic way.
If you have strong feelings for someone else AND you know they have feelings for you, this would mean you two have already discussed these feelings and that a boundary in your relationship has already been crossed.
If this is the case, you are in very dangerous territory. At this point, you could either end any type of relationship with the person you are developing feelings for, or end your current relationship.
I think it is important to think about how you would feel if your boyfriend was engaging in the same behavior you are.
If you would be hurt and upset, then I think this is a good sign that some lines have been crossed and it is time to re-evaluate what you want.
If you decide that you want to pursue this new person, then I would advise ending your current relationship.
Don’t try to manage both or “test out” the new relationship while you are with your boyfriend. If you do this. you will hurt your boyfriend, feel guilty and starting a new relationship on the foundation of cheating on your boyfriend would likely create trust issues with this new partner.
If you really think this new person would be a better partner for you, then make the decision to enter in this new relationship in a way that you can feel proud of.
Ashley Baldwin, LPC, CACII – www.facebook.com/BaldwinCounseling
Liking someone when you are in a relationship with someone else can be a challenging thing. It could tell you a variety of different things about yourself and the relationship.. Sometimes it is very normal to like other people.
If we didn’t like other people there would be no reason to commit to someone. It would come naturally to us.
Commitment is saying you will not act on your desires to be with someone else, not that you wont desire anyone else.
You can choose to stay with the person you are with.
There are some other scenarios as well.
If you are interested in someone else it may be telling you something’s not right in your current relationship.
Are you unhappy in your current relationship? You could be getting or getting bored.
You have to decide if you want to keep trying or give it up.
Sometimes if you like someone else it means your needs are not being met in your current relationship.
Self sabotage is another possibility.
Some people get scared of closeness and try to wreck it subconsciously. Are you seeking out someone new because your current relationship is going well.
Being known can be scary. People desire to be known but fear to be known and rejected.
Is your current boyfriend getting to know you and you’re scared of being rejected? Your desire for someone new could be you trying to reject him before he can reject you.
Deciding between two men can be very hard.
Our brains can talk us into anything but our hearts know what we want. Take some time to reflect and see if you can tap into what your heart wants.
Elizabeth Rice, LPCC – www.merakicounselingdenver.com
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