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Is He Losing Interest Or Am I Just Paranoid? – 6 Relationship Experts Share Their Tips + Insights

by Janet Bayramyan – LCSW, Sally LeBoy – MFT, Amy Sherman – M.A., LMHC, Hollis Wall – MA, LMHCA, Adrienne Brown – MA, LPC, Ilene Cohen – Ph.D.

Is He Losing Interest Or Am I Just Paranoid

“Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.”

~ Nat Turner

Nat Turner Good Communication Quote
Janet Bayramyan

This is a very important question and can be somewhat complex. 

The first way I would address this is by asking you the following questions: 

  • “What are you noticing in your relationship that is concerning or different?” 
  • “What has changed that is bringing up concerns?” 

We cannot necessarily read our partner’s mind as to whether they have lost interest in us or the relationship, and therefore it is important to have that difficult conversation.

Some of the signs where your partner may have lost interest including the following:

  1. You no longer feel like a priority
  2. There’s minimal effort in connecting with your friends or family
  3. Physical affection and intimacy with touch has stopped
  4. When making an attempt to connect, your partner pulls away
  5. They stop paying attention to the little things
  6. They take an unusually long time to respond to texts or calls. They may have stopped texting or calling.

These challenges require effort on both parts to turn things around and improve the relationship. 

If some of these signs are showing up, then it’s important to have that discussion that things need to change and seek the appropriate help. 

I believe we are all intuitive to varying degrees. And do if something doesn’t feel right, we have to honor that and speak up.

Janet Bayramyan, LCSW – www.road2wellness.co

Ilene Cohen

I am positive that if you are feeling like your partner is pulling away from you, you are probably anxious that he is losing interest in you. 

This may lead you to pursue him or pull away emotionally yourself.

However, if you want to know the answer for sure, you can’t make assumptions about your partner’s actions. 

And pursuing your partner or pulling away won’t solve your relationship issues. It’s better to be straight forward and express the behaviors you have noticed from your partner to your partner. 

Open and honest communication is so important in any relationship, whether you are just starting out or have been together for a while. 

You might say something like, “I noticed that you have been a bit distant, is there something that you would like to talk about?”

Their actions of pulling away might not have anything to do with you. Your partner might have extra stress at work, or issues with family or a close friend. Many people close up, and distance when stressed out or have a lot on their mind. 

The best way to know for sure if he is losing interest or if you are paranoid is to go straight to the source, not with an angry or an upset tone, but with a concerned and factual tone. 

Maybe he is upset with something you did, and you can further talk about how you can work it out.

If you do discuss how you are feeling with your partner and you find that he is still distant, I would give him/her the space they need. Take that time to focus on yourself. Some people need some extra time to think things through on their own. 

If you notice that he is distant for weeks or months, then it might be time to define how the relationship isn’t working for you. 

You can express how you would like to resolve the issues, whatever they are, and that you no longer feel close. It is really in your hands at that point to decide if you want to be in the relationship or not based on your partner’s actions.

Some people aren’t so great at expressing themselves and might not be able to communicate their feelings. 

You might decide that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is unable to talk things through.

Overall, trust your personal experience and don’t be afraid to bring up your observations and feelings.

Ilene Cohen, Ph.D. – www.doctorilene.com

Adrienne Brown

When trying to determine the approach on how to gain more insight into whether or not our partner is interested, or we are being paranoid is to be self-aware, in tune with your feelings, stay present, grounded and communicate.  

Also understanding Gottman’s research on the 3 phases of love which includes limerence(falling in love), building trust and building commitment and loyalty and what it entails will give you more insight into what you are actually feeling and experiencing rather than treating the situation as a precursor that something is wrong. 

Knowing the phases, you are in as it relates to your relationship and falling in love will give you clarity and perspective. 

Because sometimes we project an impression of what our partner is supposed to exhibit in a preconceived time frame that validates in our mind, he is interested or what we envision our potential future might be with the person doesn’t match what’s happening currently can trigger anxiety. 

The paranoia or anxiety typically happens during the first phase that is immersed in hormones which set off physical symptoms like excitement, intrusive thinking, fantasy, and sexual excitement which are all a cocktail for falling in love. 

However, the paranoia can cloud our ability to enjoy the moment and be present with our partner and these emotions evolve into distorted projections and perceptions that manifest into uncertainty, chaos, confusion, hurt and disappointment.   

To really have a clear understanding of your partner wants, needs, interest, and yours this means communication and building on that which takes place in phases 2 and 3 of love. 

Taking time to value every moment and effortlessly fall in love with a calm mind, body and spirit is key.  

I will provide several tips on how to deal with this type of dilemma. 

  • Seek guidance from a therapist to explore and process the situation and determine the phase of love you’re in and understand the process of naturally cultivating a meaningful committed relationship.
  • Self sooth by implementing breathing and grounding techniques, yoga, meditation, self-care and mindfulness.
  • Throughout the relationship always check in and ask your partner how they are feeling about the current relationship and do they have any reservations that need to be addressed.
  • Be solution focused, and supportive of your own needs and theirs.
  • Help find ways to alleviate stress 
  • Be in tune with your feelings and communicate or self-reflect on them
  • Be vulnerable and transparent in your approach
  • Be mindful of your feelings and what you are experiencing in the moment of the relationship. A lot of times we prematurely look for behaviors and gestures that validate commitment in our minds and when we don’t see it we spiral into distorted thinking (what if’s, should statements and black and white thinking) that manifest into paranoia or anxiety.
  • Understand your body sensations, thoughts and how it correlates to your perceptions of situations. It is insightful and liberating to be aware of this. A therapist can help.

Adrienne Brown, MA, LPC – www.houstonrelationshiptherapy.com

Hollis Wall

When you notice changes in your relationship with your boyfriend it can be concerning. 

If he isn’t showing as much interest, isn’t responding to your calls or texts or changes the way he uses social media around you, you might be thinking he is losing interest. 

Below I will discuss more signs he might be losing interest and tips to figure out what is going on. 

One sign that can indicate that your boyfriend is losing interest is that he is withdrawing from you. 

He doesn’t respond as quickly to your phone calls and text messages. He isn’t showing as much interest in you. It could be that his social media habits have changed around you. He changes his habits around how he uses his computer and phone around you. He could also start fights with you about every little thing. 

There could be numerous explanations for this behavior, but make sure you ask him about what has changed. 

By having an open and honest conversation with him you will get down to the bottom of what is going on with him. 

You will also get clarity on how he is feeling. Your thought process might be that these apparent signs of disinterest could mean he wants to break up with you. 

Try not to go down a negative rabbit hole before you have a discussion with him. I know this can be tough though. 

Also, give him the space that he needs to figure out how he is feeling. He could be confused about his feelings and is taking the space he needs to figure it out and how to move forward with you. Once he figures out how he feels he will come and talk to you. 

Just try to be as open minded as possible. 

Also, one thing to discuss with your boyfriend is to see if you or he did anything wrong. This can be an important discussion and  can help both of you get down to the bottom of why he has pulled away. 

These are some of the signs to look for if your boyfriend is losing interest or if there is another type of problem. 

Give him the space he needs and have an open and honest conversation with him. 

Hollis Wall, MA, LMHCA – www.wallehollis.com

Sally LeBoy

It isn’t being paranoid to notice a change in the interest level of your partner.  I do think it’s important to distinguish between apparent minor fluctuations in interest and a sustained withdrawing of interest and affection.  

We are individuals as well as partners and there are times in our individual lives when we are less available to the relationship.  

It could be a personal stressor from work, family, or just life in general, but it’s normal for people to have their ups and downs that are entirely unrelated to their commitment to the relationship.

That being said, if you notice that your partner is chronically withdrawn, unaffectionate or just generally less interested, it’s normal to question his level of interest.  

Otherwise you could be burying your head in the sand to avoid an unpleasant reality.  I never advise head-burying as a strategy.  

You have to talk to him.  

You need to tell him what you’re noticing and ask him if anything is going on.  Of course asking the question doesn’t insure getting the answer.  If he’s not ready or willing to tell you, you are on your own in terms of managing an uncomfortable situation.

You are the only one who can know if the relationship is satisfying.  

Again, over time, there are fluctuations in the level of satisfaction in any relationship so it’s important to make the distinction between that and a more sustained drop in relationship satisfaction.

I don’t think you should have to sort this out on your own. Even if he’s genuinely unaware of a problem, it’s important for him to talk with you about what you are experiencing.

Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself if the relationship is working for you.  

The more information you have, the easier it becomes to make that judgment.  But if he’s unwilling or unable to process this with you, it might be time to move on.  One of the most important factors in a good relationship are partners who are willing to problem solve together.  

Good partners listen uncritically to each other, provide their own insights and make a good faith effort to resolve issues.   

Most of the time that’s all it takes to move a relationship forward.  But a partner who can’t or won’t engage will cause you a lifetime of unhappiness.

Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com

Amy Sherman

If you are wondering if your partner is losing interest in you, because things feel different, you may not be paranoid, but intuitive. 

Sometimes, when a couple settles into their relationship, things become complacent.  You fall into a routine, become comfortable and forget to put the effort to keep the fire alive and sizzling.

So, if something is missing and you feel things could use some improvement, then it’s time to talk about your expectations of each other and see if those expectations could be met.

How do you know if he is really losing interest or if it is you who is insecure and uncertain about the relationship?

  1. Examine how he responds to talking about the future and how much your goals are in sync.
  2. Examine if he remembers details about past events and if he cherishes them, like you do.
  3. Examine if you’re seeing him less and less because other projects seem more important.
  4. Examine if the romance has left the relationship and if your intimacy is lessened.
  5. Examine whether he seems more abrupt and annoyed and not as caring toward you 
  6. Question whether he is willing to make adjustments to improve things or whether he thinks things are good the way they are. 

Don’t worry about feeling uncomfortable or even a little paranoid when discussing things.  

Worry about being in a relationship that needs a lot of work with little reward.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

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