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My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To See Me As Much As I want To See Him – What Should I Do?

by Irena Milentijevic – PsyD, Anita Gadhia-Smith – PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW, Amy Sherman – M.A., LMHC

My Boyfriend Doesn’t Talk To Me Like He Used To

“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.”

~ Mandy Hale

Mandy Hale Standards Quote
Dr. Kat Peoples

If your boyfriend doesn’t want to see you as much as you want to see him, you will need to ask yourself two questions: “What are my expectations?” and “Is he taking me for granted?” to get to the bottom of it and turn things around.

What are my expectations? 

It could be that your expectations are too high or just perfect, and you can assess that when you list them out, but you need to determine what you want before you can try to get it. Imagine what a perfect week might be for you with your boyfriend. Is it realistic? 

Then have a discussion with your boyfriend, but do not present it as a problem. Present the conversation as a way to align what the two of you want in from the relationship. 

If your expectations do not align with what he wants or is able to give you, you may need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship or if you are willing to make compromises to meet him in the middle. 

While some women may be fine with smaller amounts of time spent together, others may need more to feel satisfied in a relationship. Determine who you are because, no matter the reason, if he’s gone, he’s gone, and that may be problematic for you.

Is he taking me for granted? 

If he is not spending enough time with you or is flaking on plans you made together, it could be that he is taking you for granted. If that is the case, there are some things you can do to change that. 

1. Reach out less than you have been. Do not make the plans. Do not suggest places to go. Do not keep asking him to hang out. This will put the responsibility on him to draw closer to you when he realizes your sudden scarcity. 

2. In the meantime, work on making yourself more exciting and fun to be around

If your life is all about him and what he needs, he will get bored and take you for granted. The next time you want to call him to hang out, do something for yourself instead. Go out with some friends you have not seen in a while or check out that cooking class you’ve been meaning to try. 

When you make your life full, people naturally draw close to you and want to be with you. With all that said, do this for yourself in an authentic way rather than pretending to be involved in other interests while you sit at home waiting for his call.

3. Get on the same page. 

After completing the first two steps for at least three months, have a talk with your boyfriend about your expectations. If you find that you still can not get on the same page, it’s time to move on. Don’t stay with someone who won’t meet you halfway. You’ll always feel disappointed. 

Kat Peoples, Ph.D., LMHC, LPC – www.facebook.com/drkatpeoples

Irena Milentijevic

If you and your partner can’t seem to find the right balance of how much time to spend together, it can make you feel uncertain about the relationship. 

Quality time is an essential component to a strong, healthy connection, and you feel like you’re missing out on that. 

Granted, you know he has a busy schedule with work, exercise, hobbies, and friends. But shouldn’t you be a priority when he’s scheduling out his time? And how do you approach the issue without putting your partner on the defense?

Of course you want to spend more time with him. You’re in love, excited, and aching for a deeper connection, maybe even a deeper commitment.

You want to spend evenings together relaxing, weekends on adventures or hanging out with friends, holidays meeting his family. But maybe it’s too soon for him.

Out of your excitement and need to see him more, you can inadvertently start a vicious cycle. 

Your longing to see him so much comes across as demand.  You call, text, text again. Maybe you pout.

The more you push to see him, the less he makes himself available.

At this point, you may feel annoyed, frustrated, and exhausted. Beyond that, you’re also unhappy with yourself for constantly initiating. 

What to do

If you feel like you’re “being needy,” that means your boyfriend and you have different priorities. And you are either farther down his list than you’d like, or you’re not on it at all.

Tune into yourself and see what’s really bothering you. 

  • If you’re “being needy,” then what do you need? (You might think of this as where is this anxiety/need coming from?) 
  • Is it that you’re so excited to be with him it feels like there’s never enough time? Or do you feel worried that he’s not really committed? 
  • Are you not feeling connected and you need to see him for reassurance? 

Then you can try to look objectively at your boyfriend’s situation. Is he truly not giving you enough of his time and choosing not to see you? Or is he in a demanding job or a challenging life transition?

Be curious and try to understand your partner. 

Once you understand yourself and have really considered what factors play into his perspective, you can try talking to him. 

Try reaching out gently—via text first, then schedule time to talk. Be open and express clearly how you feel. 

Couples therapy can help you and your boyfriend understand the demands on each other’s time and what your priorities are both separately and as a couple. And if he doesn’t want to go to therapy, you can go yourself and explore with your counselor what you’re needing, and what you want to do about it.  

Irena Milentijevic, PsyD – www.drirena.com

Anita Gadhia-Smith

If your boyfriend doesn’t want to see you as much as you want to see him, don’t fight it. 

Let him be exactly where he is without pressuring him or making him feel badly about his choices. It might be that he needs time to gradually want more and more from the relationship. If he does, and you still do, great. If he does not, then you have choices to make and you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

You can use the time for yourself in many constructive ways.

Ask yourself how you can fill up your own life and time while taking good care of yourself. Use the time is an opportunity for yourself, rather than a loss of him. You can put time into other friendships, into cultivating new hobbies, into enriching your mind and improving yourself. 

The more you invest into yourself, the more you’re going to attract higher quality people. 

Remember that it is not about finding the right person as much as it is about being the right person. Continue to invest in enriching yourself and your own life and the right thing will work out.

Anita Gadhia-Smith, PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW – www.drgadhiasmith.com

Amy Sherman

When a guy doesn’t want to see you that much or is too busy to see you, what does that mean?   Naturally, you want someone who knows when he’s found a great woman, like you, and is smart enough to treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve. 

But if you feel dismissed or invisible, there is something wrong with the relationship and you need to make some changes.

  1. Reevaluate what you are looking for in a relationship and decide if you want more of the same or something different.  In other words, do you want to tolerate this kind of behavior or are you deserving of something better.
  2. His behavior may indicate that he wants to break up with you and this is his gentle way of letting you down.  He could be afraid of hurting your feelings, so it becomes your decision to keep seeing him.
  3. He could be envisioning a relationship different than what you want – maybe one that’s more casual and open, less committed. Be sure you are not just a booty call or a friend with benefits – unless that’s what you want, too.

Basically, here are the questions you need to ask yourself:

  1. Are you better off with him or without him?
  2. How does he make you feel when you are together?
  3. Does he satisfy your needs and wants?
  4. Is he receptive to what you have to say?

The answers to these questions will give you all the information you need to make a decision as to where you want the relationship to go.  After all, you do not need to be in a relationship to be happy, because you have the necessary elements for happiness within yourself.  If your relationship is not enhancing who you already are, then it’s time to move on and find someone who will. 

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

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