“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”
~ Kahlil Gibran
Locate the hidden belief
The fear of being single can stem from multitudes of hidden beliefs. It can range from a belief that you are not good enough to ideas that society looks down upon you due to your singledom.
Whatever the fear may be, it is most likely the very block that it is sabotaging the very thing that you may desire for your life. The only way to move past them is through recognition (awareness of belief) and staunch dedication to the undoing of them.
Beware of the vicious cycle
Most often (if not always) our relationship fears will stem from a feeling of inadequacy or a lack of self-love and self-respect. We tend to constantly look outside of us for the validation and love and that we not giving ourselves.
Because we don’t validate and love ourselves, we mistakenly believe that being single must mean there is something terribly wrong with us and when we cannot find someone to give us this required validation and love, the belief will actually strengthen and our self-worth will plummet even further.
Dispel the belief and stop the cycle
Once identifying our hidden fear (belief) we are then positioned to do the work required to dispel the lie (because it will be a lie) once and for all. Sometimes it is very difficult for a person to see their own blocks because our minds repeat 85% of the thoughts we thought yesterday.
If you find this is you, it would be a wonderful idea to engage someone to help you dig into your subconscious and bring to the surface the little bugger that is causing all this drama.
Once the belief is located, it is now the time to find a turnaround statement for the belief and give yourself three reasons why the new thought/belief is as true if not truer than the prior one.
Belief/Lie: I am single and that means there is something wrong with me.
New thought/Truth: I am single because the right person for me has not yet entered my life. I would rather be single than in a bad relationship. I am honoring my sacred self until my right match comes along.
Once we have found a truer statement, it is imperative that we don’t allow ourselves to roll down the negative pathway any longer. This will take dedication and tenacity, but it will be so worth it!
Kristen Brown, Certified Empowerment Coach/Mentor – www.facebook.com/SweetEmpowermentLifeCoaching
Like any fear, we need to pause and ask ourselves, how does this serve me?
The best thing about this particular fear is that we can be pretty sure that although on some level it seems to keep us safe, that is really an illusion.
After all, when we unpack it and look at it in the cold light of day, what is so scary about being with yourself?
Really in most cases we are afraid of separation.
This stems back from our early life experiences and how safe it was for us to be in the world and how much we were encouraged to develop trust in ourselves and in those around us. As adults, it is messy.
We are not always aware of what is behind our fears.
We may not be familiar with the place inside that feels scared to grow up, to be independent, to feel a sense of autonomy and free will. Once we get a taste of our independent drives it is liberating.
Actually, our own power can feel threatening to us. We grow when we take charge of our own lives and are more committed to truth than to being in a relationship based on fear.
No one else can fill us, a relationship or another person cannot be used to take away our loneliness or to make us feel good enough.
We have to find this strength from within ourselves before we can ever hope to have a healthy relationship.
Ultimately, this is a liberating process. In developing the capacity to be comfortable with our independence we then grow our capacity to be solid in a relationship. We reduce the risk of co-dependence and of developing unhealthy relationship patterns.
We cannot really commit ourselves freely to a relationship until we have let go of the fear that we need another to prop us up.
When we stand on our own two feet and act from a place of choice not need we are then able to create healthy relationships.
So it’s time to shake up our paradigms and be willing to grow. It’s time to say what can I learn here? What is my edge?
Being single may just teach you how to form a better relationship down the track.
It may teach you about who you are and help you develop your resilience and your enthusiasm for your own life. It’s time to fall in love: with yourself; time to invest energy into developing your self and to becoming your own best friend.
Margie Ulbrick, LLB/BA/GD SOCSCI – www.margieulbrickcounselling.com
In the depths of loneliness, your mind can play tricks on you.
If you want a partner and feel it impossible to find, you may become convinced that you will always be single.
Often, this “realization” turns to fear.
Fear creates impulsivity and as a result, can catapult you towards the nearest, seemingly adequate partner.
Because of this reactivity, we don’t stop to evaluate the compatibility and just feel lucky “to have someone.” Sadly, a self fulfilling prophecy ensues and as the relationship crumbles, it solidifies your belief that your lot in life is to simply remain a party of one.
The best way to combat this cycle is to choose faith.
Invest in the knowledge that feelings are not facts and therefore there is no reason to believe that your person is not out in the world, waiting for you.
Of course the time table is unknown, but the only certainty is that you won’t find him or her if you believe that you won’t. In fact, our beliefs are so powerful that they actually create our reality.
If you buy into the fear of remaining single there will be no impetus to draw in potential mates.
If you choose faith, you keep acting to bring those feelings to fruition.
Remember that while it’s less than ideal to be single when you long to be partnered, it is always preferable to remain, until you find the mate that is truly right for you. Stay open eyed and faithful and create your window of opportunity for your right fit.
Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT – www.lifeissuespsychotherapy.com
Many women need to develop more self-confidence and autonomy when they are single. Otherwise, they get caught up in relationships that are unfulfilling and unhealthy, just because they are afraid of being single.
Some women take this to the extreme and are so co-dependent that any relationship is better than being alone. Does this sound like you?
Examine if you relate to any of these characteristics:
- You look to your partner for gratification and confirmation.
- You have low self-esteem and depend on others to affirm your value.
- You get so enmeshed in your partner’s life that you lose yourself in the relationship.
- You are afraid of being alone because you don’t feel comfortable with yourself.
What can you do to change this?
It is important to do the inner work to get to a place of confidence and purpose with who you are. Radiate the essence of a proud, beautiful woman and you will attract smart, relationship-minded men who are looking for a sharp, compassionate, fun-loving person like you!
If you allow your emotions (fears and desperations) to dictate your choices and decisions, you are going to make mistakes that could cause you to be in unhealthy, even abusive relationships.
So, acting impulsively is bad. Think things through and remember your value. Don’t waste time with people who really don’t deserve you or who don’t treat you well.
Ask yourself, “Am I feeling happier and more fulfilled with this person or am I unhappy, even sad? Am I becoming a better person as part of a couple or am I compromising my integrity and personal values?”
It’s all about making an attitude re-frame.
You need to decide if you are so desperate to be with just anyone — or worthy of being with someone who truly deserves you! Your relationship should enhance who you already are. If it doesn’t, it’s not the right relationship!
When you are single, it’s an opportunity to focus your attention on your own personal growth, interests and individual needs.
Then when you meet someone, it allows your partner to do the same. This will nurture the development of a healthy, fulfilling and lasting relationship while creating a healthier, more satisfied YOU.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
1. Be comfortable with yourself
Part of being single is discovering who you are. It gives you the opportunity to explore your likes and dislikes. It gives you the chance to figure out what you want in life, without the expectation from another person. When you have a good sense of who you are and what you want, you’re in a place where you are comfortable with yourself.
If you aren’t comfortable with yourself, it is important to look into those feelings and thoughts.
- Are you unhappy with a part of yourself that you can change?
- Are there aspects of yourself that would best be served by acceptance?
Learning to love and accept yourself is the first step to being okay with being single because you will know that you aren’t single because there is something wrong with you, rather this is a time in your life when you are single (meaning that being single is without judgment or explanation, just a state of being).
2. Appreciate what being single has to offer
When else in your life can you make all of your decisions for yourself, without having to consider someone else? You get to pick where you want to eat dinner every night. You get to sleep in or go out at night with your girls.
There are some benefits to having your life for yourself.
It’s all about choice when you are single and it gives you the chance to find out who you are. So embrace this time in your life when you are in full control of the direction you go in.
3. Know that you have the power to get the life that you want
This goes along with the last line you read before this paragraph. You are in full control of your life. You can create whatever you want in your life, including having a relationship. Once you realize that you can have any type of relationship you want and deserve, the anxiety will go down.
The focus will not be on getting the relationship, rather you will focus on the timing of when it comes into your life.
This takes faith as well. The faith in yourself and the faith that everything works itself out In perfect timing.
Amanda Patterson, LMHC – www.amandapattersonlmhc.com
You are most likely to attract what you want – in this case a resonant male partner – when you are comfortable with yourself.
What this means is that if you’re not happy as a single person, you won’t appeal to the well-adjusted, loving, and reliable man you’re seeking.
There is no better way to end up in a fulfilling partnership than to completely immerse yourself in all that is positive about being without a partner.
Enjoy your freedom and flexibility to the hilt, learn to luxuriate in your alone time, and you will naturally draw eligible, high quality men to you. Worry about being endlessly unattached, on the other hand, and your desperation will repel men from you.
It’s healthy to want a life partner, and it’s normal to fear you won’t find him, so you can’t expect to extinguish your anxiety entirely.
What you can expect, however, is that you will enjoy your life more – while you are single and when you do meet Mr. Right – when you learn to make the most of what you have.
What you have right now is full charge of your life, so take advantage of that privilege by treating yourself well, exploring new interests, and pursuing your dreams on your own unique terms with abandon.
If you stop waiting for Mr. Right to appear and take initiative with yourself and your life, despite the anxiety, you will walk smack into the man of your dreams when he’s the furthest thing from your mind.
And there is nothing more enticing to the right guy than an independent, interesting woman who is too engaged with life to appear even remotely desperate.
Dr. Amy Wood – www.amywoodpsyd.com
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