“You should never have to look for evidence that someone loves you. True love is crystal clear.”
~ Mandy Hale
This is a common question that women ask themselves in almost every relationship.
Just because you are asking this question of yourself does not mean that there is something wrong with the relationship.
All relationships are characterized by some degree of ambivalence and conflict, some more than others.
Ambivalence is a normal aspect of all intimate relationships, and we have to learn to allow it, understand it, live with it, and still make decisions in the best interest of our own lives.
One of the recommendations when deciding whether to stay or go is to make a list of positives and negatives about the relationship, and see which one is longer.
This will give you some clear data about the state of your relationship. Sometimes, seeing it on paper can help break your denial about the reality of the situation. It’s very easy to ignore a long list of negatives and focus on one good thing that we think we cannot live without from the other person.
Seeing the actual balance of different aspects of the relationship can help to give you clarity that you might not have by just thinking and ruminating.
Sometimes, we have to fight for a relationship.
This means that we have to learn how to fight fair and negotiate our issues. No relationship develops into maturity without having gone through conflicts. Conflicts are necessary and deepen the intimacy every time you work through one of them.
Remember to fight fair and stay focused on the topic at hand when something comes up that is really important and worth fighting for. If you have a partner who is willing to work through things with you, conflict can be very constructive.
Be honest and clear with yourself about what your deal breakers are in relationships.
Some of the most common and glaring deal breakers are active addiction, ongoing adultery, physical abuse, financial abuse or emotional abuse. Other deal breakers can have to do with religion, family issues, personality problems, long distance, and health and lifestyle habits.
There is no reason to live with something that is unacceptable to you.
Well we all need to make compromises in our relationships, we cannot compromise our basic values or integrity.
Be true to yourself.
- Ask yourself why you are with this person?
- Are you with him because you truly care about him and think that you will be good partners, or are you with him because you think it’s the “right” time, or because someone else thinks you should be together?
If your body, mind, and spirit line up, and you have a sense of peace about it, you are probably being true to yourself.
If you are supposed to stay with someone, it will be very hard to leave. And if you are supposed to leave, it will be very hard to stay. Over time, you will have a growing feeling inside of you that things are not working and your desire to leave will increase.
Trust yourself to be guided from within about what to do.
Even if it takes a while, the right thing always works out in the end. If you are supposed to be with someone, there is no way to stop it, and if you are not supposed to be with someone, there is no way to make it work.
Take good care of yourself, do the next right thing, and trust the outcome.
Anita Gadhia-Smith, PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW – www.drgadhiasmith.com
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