“It is necessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.”
~ Mandy Hale
If you are authentic and honest about who you are, other people will also be comfortable around you. It is refreshing to be around people who are not phony, and are straightforward and real. This will not only make you feel more comfortable with yourself, but it will also make him feel comfortable around you.
If you are honest about who you are, he will reciprocate and be happy that he has found someone he can be himself with. As this is a rare quality, he will miss being with you when you are gone.
Take the time to be thoughtful, caring, and loving towards him.
Practice the art of kindness and respect, and whenever you ask yourself about whether you should do something, let love be the umpire. If it is loving and thoughtful, go ahead and do it.
Practicing respect is also extremely important in relationships.
If a man feels that you don’t respect him, he will have difficulty being his best self with you. if he experiences you as a loving, caring, and respectful person, he will miss you when you are not there.
Give him a conditional acceptance and make him feel good about who he is as a person.
One of the greatest gifts that we can give someone is acceptance and encouragement about who they are. Making him feel good about who he is will make him love you to no end.
Some people say that men fall in love with how they feel about themselves when they are with you just as much as they do with you.
Recognize and verbalize his strengths and attributes, and seek to empower him. This will cause him to feel better about who he is and to become a better man because of you. Irresistible.
Anita Gadhia-Smith, PsyD, LCSW-C, LICSW – www.drgadhiasmith.com
As human beings, we are hard-wired for connection.
It’s essential to our well-being and our ability to stay alive – we depend on other people for our food, shelter, and health.
When we enter into a romantic relationship, our partner becomes our attachment figure.
This means they take on the role of being the #1 person we rely on when things are hard. We turn to them first when we’re having a hard day or need support. If we start to feel disconnected from them – either due to time apart, geographical distance, or both – we experience an almost primal urge to seek reassurance from them and have them miss us to the same degree that we’re missing them.
When we’re in this state, our limbic system (the emotional part of our brain) is activated and that means more neurons are firing there than are firing in our pre-frontal cortex (the rational, organized part of our brain). We may be more prone to getting hurt and having a big, emotional reaction if we don’t get the response we’re looking for.
Here are a couple things you can keep in mind when you’re wanting to know that he’s missing you:
Take care of yourself before you do anything else.
In these moments, desperation will shine through if you’re not grounded when you reach out to him. Drink some water, eat some food if you’re hungry, and turn on some music that makes you feel good. Put both feet on the ground when you’re reaching out to him and make sure you’re breathing slowly and deeply. All of these things will help deactivate your limbic system and lead to you feeling more calm.
Let go of expectations.
Hopefully he’ll respond to your efforts to reach him in a positive, loving way with a heartfelt, “I really miss you, too.” But there’s also a lot that you don’t know. There’s no way to know exactly what he’s doing at that moment. If he doesn’t respond right away, don’t let your worst fears get the best of you. Give him some time and be proud of yourself for making the effort to express YOUR feelings. Just because it doesn’t go perfectly, doesn’t mean it’s a failure.
Keep it about you.
A common mistake that’s made is to put the spotlight on him and his emotions by saying things like, “Don’t you miss me?”, “Why haven’t you called me yet today?” or “It feels like you’re ignoring me.” Dial it back and speak to your own experience. You can try saying things like, “I really miss you, I wish we could be together right now” or “I’ve been thinking of you today. Just wanted to say I love you.”
In accordance with the second suggestion, drop expectations of what he’ll say or when he’ll get back to you, and feel good about what you said to tell him your feelings. Hopefully you’ll get a reciprocal response back.
Michelle Henderson, MA, LMHC – www.nextchapter-counseling.com
Be a safe place for him
Be kind and be a safe place for him. Take care of him like you want to be taken care of emotionally and physically. Do things with sincerity and not because you want something in return. Be thoughtful and make him his favorite meal. Surprise him with something that he likes. Listen to what he says and let him know with what you do for him that you are listening to him.
Don’t be petty and hang on to things that don’t matter anymore.
So, he forgot something; don’t keep harping on it. Praise him when he deserves it and don’t belittle what he does for you. Be gentle with his secrets and don’t throw what he has shared with you in his face. Be respectful of his feelings even though he does not express them the way you do.
Be mindful when he is quiet
Be mindful that when he is quiet, you don’t need to fill the space with conversation. You can be present and engaged with each other without words. Hold hands and be affectionate with each other. Let him think and respond thoughtfully to your questions. Slow down and be present for him. Look at him when he is talking and make eye contact.
Give him space to relax and let him express his feelings. If you cut him off when he is talking or assume what he is thinking, he will shut down and pull away from you.
Have a sense of humor
Don’t take yourself too seriously. Have a sense of humor. Leave him a note with something funny. Make time to have fun and laugh. You don’t have to be perfect and neither does he. Be easy going about the things that will be forgotten tomorrow. There might be times when you have to go with the flow and roll with it. Plans change and life happens. Be flexible and understanding.
Let him know you appreciate the things he does for you
Thank him and take time to recognize the things he does for you. Show him that you value him by acknowledging his needs. Ask him how he is feeling. Have a conversation with him and don’t talk at him. Ask him his opinion about things. You might be surprised what he will share with you if you give him the opportunity.
Welcome him when you see him. Be mindful when and where you bring up the things you want to discuss. Don’t pressure him for an answer for something when he just got off work and sat through an hour of traffic. Let him decompress and relax so that he can be his best for you. Try and enjoy the time you spend together.
Don’t take him for granted
Avoid heavy subjects if the timing is not right. Schedule time to discuss something that is important to you and needs his full attention. Wait until the time is right to discuss more serious issues. Don’t ambush him with something and demand a decision when he is not in the right frame of mind to respond thoughtfully. He won’t appreciate feeling pressured or backed into a corner.
Check your anger and make sure that you are not taking your frustration out on him for past relationships.
Sometimes the person we are in a relationship with is the safest and easiest person to lash out at. Be mindful that you are not taking your anger out on him when you are mad about something else. You will push him away if you keep beating him up for something that is not his fault.
Be genuine and don’t fake it or lie to him. He will figure out the truth with time. Be open and honest. Be yourself. If you are relaxed when you approach him, he will feel your vibe and hopefully match it. He wants to enjoy his time with you so make your time with him quality time.
Give him a reason to look forward to being with you. Set the tone, so that he wants to spend time with you because you are loving and safe place for him.
Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT – www.themindfullife.net
First thing to know is you can’t ‘make anyone do anything’ to be perfectly honest it’s way easier to attract someone who does meet your needs than it is to try and change someone. That said, you can encourage the right person to desire you, to miss your presence!
Here are a few tips on how:
Keep the mystery – there’s a quote about how good writers never reveal all their ‘secrets’ right away… they keep leaving the reader longing for more through revealing themselves piece by piece by Piece… moment to moment to moment.
By ‘secrets’ I don’t mean like deep dark secrets or things someone should know off the jump like your true age, whether you have children etc etc I mean fun delicious parts of yourself and Life such as that trip you took to Mexico or the fact that you were a dancer in your past, your absolute favorite restaurant, your dreams, etc etc etc reveal yourself over time keep the mystery alive & leave them full but desiring more.
Healthy space – think of love as a fire – too much air and the fire goes out, too little and the fire is smothered and also burns out… but just the right amount of air and space for the flames to build and you have a lasting fire… the same is true for Love.
Too much space and the connection burns out or is damaged, too little and the same thing…. Just the right amount of presence and healthy space will create a relationship that will give you the warmth of a delicious fire or summer sun all year round.
Respond as love not fear – whenever we are afraid of losing someone we have no time for loving them. In relating especially in the beginning we can be in fear of whether or not the person likes us etc etc. this can cause us, in wanting to preserve ourselves from getting hurt, to put our walls up or respond in fear instead of Love.
When we are coming from an empowered place as a full cup rich in self love, we can begin to step back and not respond from the triggered fear place but from a place that seeks peace, clarity, truth, and healthy relating.
Regardless of whether it works out or not, you know that you’ll be ok so you can drop some of those walls and give the person a real chance to know you and miss your presence when you’re gone.
Be sexy – I often have clients tell me they are upset because a man isn’t pursuing them… but then when I ask what they’ve been doing, have they been sweet, have they left them a little love note or told them how deliciously handsome they look etc etc they often respond with a definite no… to which I explain that’s like asking a wood stove to warm you without giving it any fire…now we shouldn’t have to tell our right person to be thoughtful or to compliment us etc etc but we can inspire them.
Be the sexy delicious passionate woman you are, however that looks to you which in one moment or case might be blue jeans, a pair of sneakers and a white t-shirt and in another a little black dress and heels… really, true sexiness has nothing to do with what you’re wearing it’s an essence, a vibe, a feeling. So BE your sexy self, draw him to you like a bee to honey.
Have a Life – hopefully a rich deep and fulfilling one, that’s not just about him. Be vibrant and goal oriented, have hobbies and passions that you actively pursue. Let him know when you can’t make it because you have a class or an art show, or dinner with your girlfriends, but you’d love to at another time such as; it’d sexier to be a full whole woman that it is to be overly available to his every whim.
A large mistake I see women making in dating is being afraid to not be completely available afraid of losing him… this will actually work against you.
So don’t play games, but be true to yourself. Don’t drop all your friends or social engagements … definitely include him, adjust your life and schedule accordingly but always maintain your individuality and that delicious spark of passion and aliveness! That draws him to you in the first place.
In the end, the biggest advice is just to be yourself.
The right person will see you and step in, you can definitely encourage deeper healthy relating but also know that you deserve someone who simply chooses you, because.
Ashley Davene, Relationship Counselor – www.ashleydavene.com
Any way you slice it, if you are trying to figure out a way to make somebody else feel, think or do something you are being manipulative.
It doesn’t matter whether your intentions are benign or hostile; you have taken some kind of action, probably covertly, to change someone else. Manipulation is a game. There is no other way to define it.
You alone cannot create chemistry or desire in your relationship.
Chemistry, as defined by the dictionary is “the complex emotional or psychological interaction between two people”. By definition chemistry must involve two people. Think of creating water. You can’t put oxygen in a test tube and will it to become water. You have to add hydrogen to allow for the chemical interaction that will produce water.
While chemical interactions are more predictable than human interactions, the principle is the same.
If you put your authentic self into “the relationships test tube”, and he does the same, you have begun the process that will either result in a passionate chemical explosion or a chemistry dud. If there’s no explosion, it probably isn’t meant to be.
You can certainly improve a relationship by working on communication, or finding common goals and values. You can also improve your sex life, but you can’t change the chemistry.
This is not to say that relationships have be passionate in order to work; they don’t.
Relationships, really good relationships, can be built on friendship, trust, compatibility and common goals. However, if you need passion, don’t think you can will it or manipulate it into being. As the dictionary said, chemistry is a complex reaction involving two people. You can’t create it on your own.
Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com
It’s unfortunate when you’re in a relationship and you feel you have to play games to get your boyfriend to miss you.
But, if that’s the case, let’s talk about this.
- Are you seeing your boyfriend so often that it seems he’s taking you for granted?
- Do you think the relationship could use a little boost to make it more exciting?
- Does your boyfriend appear bored?
Many times, relationships become complacent, where both parties become used to the way things are going, and no effort is made to make things better.
You just go along, satisfied with what is. Obviously, relationships take effort and the most successful ones are constantly evolving, growing and exploring each other and the world around them.
So, if you feel your relationship is becoming ho-hum and you need to get him to miss you and appreciate what he has, here are some suggestions:
- Don’t always be available when he wants to see you. Instead, keep your life full with outside interests, friends and new ventures. This ensures that you’re busy, but it also keeps him wondering what’s going on and why is he not part of it.
- When you are with him, be the best you can be. In other words, show your true personality, your humor, charm, caring and sincerity, so that when you are not around, he misses that.
- Leave a little mystery in your conversation, so that he becomes curious about your life.
- Take things slower than he would like, causing him to want more. He’ll have trouble getting you off his mind.
Perhaps, this little boost will get your relationship back on track because it should feel like a mutual commitment, where being with each other is an enhancement to both your lives.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
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