“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.”
~ Mandy Hale
You had sex with someone and shortly after they start pulling away.
What happened? When you are thinking of being intimate with someone, think of what your expectations are in that situation as well as what the other persons may be if you are concerned.
If you don’t speak about it and just meet to do the deed on a one-night stand, for example, you can probably assume that there are no expectations and whatever happens, happens.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t want to be respected or treated with kindness. But there are things that you do or should not do to make it easier to navigate when your guy starts to become distant.
First off, how long have you been with this person?
Was it a one-night stand, were you dating for a few weeks, a few months?
This can make the difference in how you move forward.
If you just met and had a one-night stand, then that may be all it was or was wanted from the other person.
If you were dating a few weeks or months and this happens, was there an expectation for commitment at that time you had sex where it may have scared the other person off?
Sometimes women can show what they may look at as insecurity, immediately after sex and say something that scares the guy off.
Talking about how they feel, the future of their relationship or what he wants from the relationship can definitely cause a distance after having sex for the first time.
Not that I want to blame things on hormones, but men actually have a drop in testosterone after having sex, which makes them want to pull away. It’s one of the reasons they fall asleep after sex because he is no longer interested until his testosterone has a change to rebuild.
The best way to avoid the confusion is to communicate.
If you are going to have sex with someone you should hopefully be able to express you wants and desires with them and ask what they want from the experience. Be honest about what you want because if you are hoping for it to be the beginning of a relationship and he wants it to be casual then at least you can decide if you are ok with that expectation.
After sex if you didn’t communicate prior, just enjoy, be cool, and don’t jump to any conclusions and see how it goes.
If after a few days you continue to feel a distance, it doesn’t hurt to ask how they are doing. If they are still distant then you have to accept where they stand and go out and find what you want and deserve.
Stacy Friedman, DHS, CSC – www.drstacyfriedman.com
One of the best lessons to learn when you are starting a new relationship is to take things slowly.
Why? Because if things don’t work out and you became intimate too fast, you wouldn’t have invested that much of yourself, emotionally and physically.
Physical intimacy takes a relationship to another level.
There are assumptions that are made, expectations that are expressed and commitments that are realized when you share such a personal part of yourself.
Of course, intimacy is a natural flow to a healthy relationship, but when is the best time to initiate it?
How can you pace the relationship to move in a healthier, more positive, slower direction, so that you don’t feel he is only interested in getting you in bed?
Here are some tips:
1. It takes courage on your part to understand your value and to expect your partner to treat you with the respect you deserve.
So, start with friendship first. This level of comfort translates into a solid foundation for love to blossom and intimacy to develop. Be friends first before you open the door to the physical and emotional closeness that is so essential for a solid partnership.
2. Be sure your dialogue is always open so you understand how the relationship is going and feel comfortable discussing intimate issues without embarrassment.
Be attuned to nonverbal cues and body language from your partner that can trigger messages and unconscious signals that he is not invested in the relationship the way you would want.
3. Trust your intuition, which is that part of you with knowledge vital to your well-being.
This internal antenna continually sends you messages that you shouldn’t ignore, especially how your partner is playing with your emotions.
Romantic love grows as you progress through your relationship. And what lasts is the committed, emotional love that makes all healthy relationships worthwhile.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
The vibe was good and now it’s off. Or worse, there’s no vibe at all because you haven’t heard from him.
What do you do when your would-be boyfriend seems distant after sleeping together?
Before you do anything, take a beat and focus on you.
This may sound impossible, but it’s imperative! Hold off on checking social media, texting, calling or asking mutual friends about him.
You need to get a clear perspective about what’s happening, so give yourself time to do that before doing or saying something you might come to regret.
Write down your feelings and look at them from an objective place.
- How do you feel about him?
- How do you feel about yourself when you’re with him?
- What’s coming up for you about past relationships?
There could be some answers within these questions that may guide your next steps.
At the same time, ramp up other you-focused, self-care behaviors. Do something that helps you take your mind off him.
Reach out to a friend, do yoga, get a spa treatment – anything healthy that you enjoy doing for yourself.
After a day or so reach out to him (once, and only once!) and check in.
Be yourself, from your most loving, self-respecting place.
Share that you were hoping to hear from him, and that you were wondering if something had happened. Tune into how you feel during this conversation.
If you feel confident and reassured, move forward. If your gut is telling you (and she’s always right) that there’s still cause for concern, listen!
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” – Maya Angelou
Whether you decide to speak directly to your man or wait and see if he reaches out to you, his actions say a lot.
If he’s distanced with reasons that have meaning, you’ll have a deeper understanding of who he is and if that’s a fit for you.
Alternatively, if he gives you questionable reasons for the distance or you are met with silence, you’ve got your answer.
This relationship is not the one for you. The beginning of a relationship sets the tone for the course of the connection. If this beginning feels off, it most likely is.
Save your emotional and physical investment for someone who will value it and value you.
Rae Sandler Simon, PsyD – www.liveandlovewell.com
Being intimate with a man is vulnerable and risky.
You took the risk to connect with him and hope that he will feel the same way you do. When he becomes distant, you can feel an array of emotions-anger, sadness, rejection, shock, and confusion.
First, I want you to slow down and reflect on how you are feeling right now.
What emotions are coming up for you, what thoughts, and what actions are you wanting to take?
It’s important to slow down and reflect before you make your next step.
Connect with how you are feeling and processing so that you can decide how to best support yourself.
It’s important to reflect and it’s important to schedule reflection time and not ruminate on his actions all day long. When you move from reflection to rumination, you can get confused about what support really looks like for yourself.
After you have taken time to reflect, decide what action step you want to take.
- Do you want to reach out to him and ask what is going on?
- Do you want to move on and let it go?
- Do you want to have a girls night with your friends to talk it out?
What action step will help you understand, heal and deal with what happened.
Then take the action step you landed on. Taking action helps reduce rumination and allows you to heal. You can only control what you do in this situation and not what he does.
If you want to talk it out, he might respond and he might not.
Focus on what you can control and release the parts you cannot control.
The most important part of all of this is to care for yourself well and understand what you need to heal.
Rachel Elder, LMHC, MHP – www.rachel-elder.com
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