“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
~ Brené Brown
Have you ever found yourself falling for unavailable guys? There could be many reasons why this is happening.
Here are just a few things to consider:
1. He seems more attractive simply because you can’t have him.
You see how his girlfriend has taken an interest in him and this generates more interest on your part. Sure, he may be a genuinely good guy, but pause and realize that maybe you have a tendency to want what is not yours.
Take some time to reflect on past guys you’ve fallen for.
- What kind of relationships have been modeled in your family?
- Do you notice a pattern of this behavior?
2. It’s easy to be yourself when you know he’s taken.
Since you know there’s nothing to lose, you can just relax and let your guard down. Maybe you notice there’s a certain ease about how you interact with him.
Compare that with those times when you believe there IS something to lose in a relationship.
- How are you different?
- What do you feel nervous about?
Keep in mind that it’s always best to be yourself rather than someone you think he will like.You will eventually become exhausted pretending to be someone you’re not.
3. Maybe you feel safe falling for him because he’s already taken.
If you have a fear of being rejected or are scared of actually being in a relationship, this may be a familiar pattern of behavior in your life.
You know nothing will come of the relationship… and so there’s nothing to lose. But when you think about it, there’s also nothing to gain.
What if you gave yourself permission to succeed …or at least permission to being open to having a relationship?
If you found yourself relating to any of the above situations, you may want to consider working with a counselor to dig deeper into what experiences or perceptions are playing into your relationship patterns.
Melissa King, MA, LPC, NCC – www.firelightcounseling.com
One of the biggest attractions to women in a relationship is emotional intimacy.
This is something that some women crave, and when they do have it, it motivates them to want to pursue a relationship even more than if they were just physically attracted to one another.
The downside of this is that emotional intimacy can happen in other relational dynamics in our lives.
We are just friends. How many times do I hear this in my therapy room?! I want to be more than friends, but he has a girlfriend. Well, doesn’t that sound familiar?!
Most women are good listeners.
In that, it is easy to build a friendship with that attribute. Men often don’t talk to their guy friends about their relationships, and may often seek out a female friend to discuss the successes or the setbacks they are experiencing in their relationship.
And women listen! And they get attached! And they think to themselves either; he deserves better! Or wow! He is a fantastic partner; I wish I had someone like him in my life!
And then, bam! They start emotionally inserting themselves into the role of the significant other. Only to have their bubble burst by the fact that he is with someone else.
Men that are already in relationships are deemed safe to have as friends. We know that nothing will advance because they are already taken. However, we underestimate the power of emotional intimacy and attachment.
If you find yourself continuously falling for men that are already taken, ask yourself, what is happening at the beginning that is initially attracting you to the dynamic.
Is it something you can control?
For instance, putting up a boundary of not being a listening ear to a male who is already in a relationship. If you are honest with yourself about your feelings and intentions from the beginning, you can determine if the friendship will stay mutually plutonic.
Be strong and resist!
Odds are, if he pursues a relationship with you when he is in a relationship, he might pursue someone else if he is in a relationship with you.
Lori D’Elia, MA, LMFT, CPC – www.deliafamilysolutions.com
Before I started dating my husband I tried convincing all my friends to date him.
I said, “He’s going to be the most amazing husband and father!”
It didn’t take me long to realize that instead of selling my friends on him, that I should date him! After 16 years of marriage, I can honestly say that I was right!
However, sometimes women don’t realize the catch a man is until they are taken.
Most likely it’s because you don’t have a guard up when you’re around a “taken” man.
He’s in the safe zone for you, meaning you believe he’s not on the prowl. Also, you’re not distracted by questions of whether you like him, are interested in him or worried about how you’re coming across to him.
You can relax and be yourself and that means you are not feeling judged or insecure about your appearance or your behavior.
You are more relaxed and appear more confident, so chances are you’re actually more attractive overall when you’re around him.
When you feel good about yourself you generally view others more positively as well.
So, there’s reciprocity happening… when you feel secure it boosts your self-esteem, which, in turn, affects the way you view him as more attractive as well.
The key is to work on your self-confidence so that you can have the self-confidence when you’re with a man who is available.
Amy Sargent, MFT – www.amysargent.com
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